Closing the Gap in NYC

Still Fighting...

2010-12-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

Although now it's from a new city where I have a new last name and no longer spend my days with children. So much changes in a year.

I now live in Kansas City (home to a Momma and niece that are pretty much the best people in the entire world and completely worth moving across the country for...) I'm a wifey now...anybody that can put up with me through my first 2 years of teaching deserves the best of me for at least the rest of his life...

I work to support 1st and 2nd year teachers across 5 schools. I can occasionally work from home and am rarely up before 8 am (although you will often find me meeting with teachers at Starbucks well into the night...) Most days this role is the best professional development I've ever had, but every once in a while it feels like riding at the front of the first year teacher roller coaster with 21 people in the cars behind you, looking for any sign of panic and 'I don't have this all together'ness.

In my new job I talk about my kids often - the same kids who I shared with you for 2 years - who I now Facebook stalk to make sure they're going to school on time, doing their homework, and not drinking (or at least not posting about it on Facebook...). They're in their mid teens now, and the pictures of them I have hanging in my cubicle look so very different from the chiseled young men they have become over the last 4 years. The stories I tell of them now are very different from the ones shared with you in the moment. They are now more edited - the Disney version instead of the documentary one. Sugar coated. With a music montage in the middle.

The reality is that many of them are not where I hoped they would be. Some have been in and out of juvenile detention. Some have babies. Some do not regularly go to school. And I can't help but wonder what I could have done differently...knowing all the while that I did the best I could with who I was at the time.

I hope to post here more often, if not for support (does anybody even still read this?!), then at least to have a record of the career of a young ed-reformer - incredibly passionate about this gross injustice within our country. Not sure how to fix it - not even sure if I will see it fixed in my lifetime, but dedicated to trying incredibly hard for the rest of my career to make sure that the stories of future Adonys, Maliks, Yahkemps, and Joshuas have happy endings...

Confessions...

2009-07-08T18:14:00.000-07:00

I LOVE my new job. I love my colleagues, the kids I work with, the parents - I work in a strong school with a good community of people around me and FINALLY feel like what I do everyday actually closes the achievement gap.
But I still think about them - my old kids - all of the time. When I say all of the time, I mean at LEAST daily. I regret that I wasn't there to make them cakes on their birthdays, mediate their fights, prepare them for the state test, and see them walk across the stage at their 5th grade graduation. I still get random texts from them asking if I'll come back, or if I could teach at their middle school. It pains me so much every time I type the word 'no'. I vow to stay in touch, but we both know that this isn't enough. They need someone everyday to believe in them - to push them.
I left because I knew there would always be more kids - another reason to stay in a school where I wasn't supported professionally or personally.
So why, after so long, do I still feel like I should have stayed?
Like the kids at my new school would be okay without me, but there are 13 kids in the Bronx who are not okay because I left...
This is the only decision I've ever wrestled with for so long.
Does that mean I made the wrong choice?

See You Later :)

2009-04-24T18:13:00.001-07:00

I've given in to the fact that I'm no longer a good blogger. And I'm okay with that.
Because I converse.
I used to work at a school where I had only very surface conversations - any 'real' conversations I had were about my personal life, and these were very rare.
Now I work in a school with true colleagues - people I have a deep respect and appreciation for. In these colleagues I have found a handful of 'thought partners' - people with whom I discuss lessons, data, theories of education, students, good days, bad days, and in the midst of it all....life.
And somehow, the desperate need for so much help from a blogging community is gone.
Well, maybe not gone - but there's no longer time.
Face to face conversations take time - relationship building takes time - and right now that's more important than chronicling this experience here for myself (which is what this was intended to be).
So this will remain, for now, stagnant. I don't want to feel the guilt of not blogging anymore, but I want to have the opportunity to do so if I feel the need to share again.
And with this....a weight has been lifted...

Vacation!

2009-02-16T19:18:00.000-08:00

5 days to sleep past 5 am, to work out and not worry about the clock, eat when I want to and go to the bathroom more than 3 times during the day.
To catch up on wedding planning...lesson planning...and TiVo.
This will be good :)

2009-02-12T17:35:00.000-08:00

Sugar Cane - Missy Higgins
Baby ballerina's hiding somewhere in the corner, where the shadow wraps around her
and our torches cannot find her, she will stay there 'til the morning,
crawl behind us as we are yawning, and she will leave our games to never be the same.
So grow tall sugar cane.
Eat the soil, drink that rain.
But know they'll chase you if you play their little games.
So run, run fast sugar cane.

It's her song. My student who reads on a 1st grade level and writes on a kindergarten level. She's in 3rd grade, supposed to be in 4th. Not shocking, really - if you consider that I teach special ed in NYC. (Although the fact that that's the standard is so incredibly sad.)
But the fact is that we are a great school. We work hard. Her parents are involved. We have professional development that most teachers only dream of. Our management is super tight.
And yet...when she speaks it sounds like 4 sentences smashed into one - her writing is much of the same.
She shakes her head when you ask her a question, almost as if she's a slot machine and someday she'll hit the jackpot, spitting out a perfect, insightful answer that will get her the praise she so desparately seeks.
She works harder than most students I know. 1 of 10 children, she's a caregiver, nurturer, and leader.
But will she go to college? Will she graduate college? Today her dad, in a look of defeat I seldom see, told me he knew what it was going to be like for her. She would get held back and get held back until she eventually just quit.
Somewhere, in the midst of the college pennants and cheers and an extended school day and intervention groups, this little girl is drowning and I don't know how.

2009-02-01T16:27:00.000-08:00

Only 3 weeks ago we returned from break.
Rejuvinated...rested...inspired by the time we had to be a person.
I made a promise to myself to be more balanced. To work out more. To leave work at least 3 days a week at or before 5:00 (this is HUGE for my school, considering I used to always stay until at least 6). To spend more time with my friends...boyfriend....and dogs.
And to sleep more.
I'm doing all of these things, but I'm still exhausted.
I see it in my colleagues, too.
How do you give kids what they need - purposeful lessons, tight classroom management, an extended school day, and lots of academic intervention for students who fall beind....and still make sure teachers get what they need?
I love my school. I love the people I work with. But I would love to wake up in the morning and not feel so exhausted.
Maybe I should become a regular coffee drinker.

2009-01-25T14:52:00.000-08:00

I watched the inauguration with 100 students, most of whom will be the first in their family to go to college.
They clapped each time the audience clapped and after the swearing in, most of the teachers in the room were teary-eyed. Several of the students comforted us, which totally speaks to the culture of our school.
It was incredibly powerful to watch such an important moment in history with kids who I know are going to have amazing opportunities in life because of the work our school does with them.
We work hard, and there are times that I'm incredibly tired. But we support each other.
I'm so proud to be a part of my school....and sad only that I couldn't bring my old kids with me.

Going Offline

2008-12-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

In a letter released by my charter school's superintendents, they encouraged us to "go offline" - or they said that this is a time of year that the organization "goes offline" - something to that effect. But basically it gave me permission to not bring home my laptop....or check my email....or think about school or kids or TFA or my corps members for the next 9 days.
To take a much needed mental vacation.
This organization - who gave me a laptop which has subsequently been attached to me for the last 4 months, is encouraging me to take a break, and I plan to do it.

To take time to be a a friend, fiance, aunt, daughter, grandaughter, Kansan. I'm so excited. I'm going to eat...and sleep....and eat....and sleep.
And come back rejuvinated and ready to focus more on how to balance my job with the rest of my life - something I failed at miserably in the last few months.

I Used to be a Blogger

2008-12-10T17:45:00.000-08:00

But now I'm a crazyteacher - one that works 70+ hours a week AND leads first year teachers in a professional development group to make sure that their kids have a rockin' school year.
And a wedding planner/dog owner/yogi/person in constant search of work life balance.
And did I mention sleep deprived?
I think my most uttered phrase is, "I'm exhausted."
Either that or "Yes or no", because when you ask my kids a question, most of them just stare at you unless you give them an option for a response.
But I hold firm in what I've said all semester - my school does a great job of educating kids, and of making me a better teacher, and building true partnerships between school staff and parents. I work at a great school - I feel like my voice matters.

And there is 14 days until Christmas, including weekends (which really just mean working somewhere else than my school building).
We got a tree this weekend. And red and green candles. And lots of other Christmas/winter decorations.
I don't know if I'm celebrating the religious holiday, going home, or the fact that for 2 weeks my alarm will not go off at 5 am.

2008-11-15T16:51:00.000-08:00

I spent last night and all day today at a FABULOUS workshop on Autism.
I learned SO much and am officially on overload...
After the workshop I went to the Bank Street Bookstore and somehow walked out with $100 worth of posters, books, flash cards, and phonics games. How does that happen?
I spend money on my classroom now in such a different way than I did when I worked for the DOE. When I worked for the DOE, I bought paper, pencils, paid for copies, and sometimes bought things like center books. Now, all basic supplies are provided, and so are basically all teaching resources we want. The only thing is that if the school buys them they belong to the school, and some of these things I want to keep (because I don't plan on staying here forever), and so I buy things that develop me professionally and that make my classroom more inviting...more like the classrooms I remember as a child).
Last year, I would have never DREAMED of buying posters, or a game to help kids learn blends and diagraphs.
Yet these are the kinds of things I remember about elementary school, and the kinds of things you find when you walk in to suburban and private schools. Neat classrooms - lots of Lakeshore things.
Money doesn't equal great classrooms, but I like knowing that when my students look back on their elementary school career, they will not remember going to a school with bars on the windows - they'll remember a classroom with bright posters and fun games :)

Day Off?

2008-11-11T17:10:00.001-08:00

Notsomuch. My morning was filled with meetings, and my afternoon with planning. We had a planning party (aka 3 teachers from my school got together, ate lots of snacks, and planned like crazy people for 6 hours).
Even though the days was not the sleep in, watch talk shows in pajamas on the couch day off as I had when I worked in the DOE, I feel relaxed and rejuvenated.
A conversation that happens often with staff at my school is whether or not this is sustainable. If not, how can we fix it so that it is, and is fixing it beneficial to kids? There are people that argue that teachers should give as much as they can at a school like mine (long hours, often 70+ hour weeks) and then when they're burnt out, move on to something else. These people feel that it isn't the school's job to ensure sustainability, but rather the achievement of the kids. There are others that argue that staff retention greatly contributes to a schools' culture and the achievement of it's students, and that teacher retention should be a focus of charter schools and other educational institutions with extended hours/weekend work requirements. (My school does not require teachers to teach on weekends, but many charter schools have mandatory Saturday academies).
I'm not sure where I stand on this argument, but I know that I don't feel like I could work at this job and have children of my own. I also don't feel like someone could work 40 hours a week and service my children the way they deserve. Maybe there's no answer...maybe it's different for every school or organization?
I'd love to hear people's thoughts!

Data Day

2008-10-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

Our kids took school made standardized tests in both reading and math last week and we spent all of today (7:15 - 6) analyzing the data in grades and as a school. We made data driven plans, formed intervention groups, and talked about trends we were noticing and how to continue the great ones and stop the not so great ones.
Tomorrow is data day 2 - more planning and looking at numbers and standards and tests and discussing these tests that we now all have memorized.
And this is reason #131 why I came to this school. This is great instruction.
My old school has most of this stuff on file, too - the only difference is that most of it is contrived for the purpose of the quality review and then never used - by anyone. Here, it's used - breathed.
I am part of a great school.
A passionate school.
A nurturing school.
And I work 15 hour days at least 4 days a week, plus take work home on the weekends.
I don't remember the last time I got 8 hours of sleep.
It's challenging for the right reasons. We fight the right battles....but sometimes the exhaustion gets the best of me and I can't help but want to just come home, make dinner, and lay on the couch with the Boy.

From Long Ago

2008-10-20T18:05:00.000-07:00

I’m exhausted. The kind of exhausted where your head pounds, your throat hurts, and the thought of food makes you nauseas. The worst part about it is….it’s Monday.
I feel like I’m teaching better…working smarter….than I ever have.
But at what price?
Yesterday the boy joked, “What did I do to be so lucky to have you around to watch you work, sleep, and eat?”
It was a joke…kind of.
Except for there was truth behind it.
And I can’t count how many times in the last week a bowl of Lucky Charms was dinner.
But my kids are learning. And I feel effective. And valued. And this is what urban education should be…at least inside school walls.
But my average days are 6:45 – 6:45, plus a 1 hour commute both ways, and I’m struggling to find balance, peace, time to play with the dogs….and sleep.

I wrote this almost a month ago but never had time or made it a priority to post it....

2008-09-16T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today as K****i was walking in to my room for his pull out session he goes, Ms. G, you know my very favorite place?!
I was just waiting for him to say, "Your classroom! I love learning!"
And he goes, "The pharmacy. They have the best toys there. It's awesome!"

I continue to be fascinated by him - how his brain works, and at other times, seems to just....shut down.

2008-09-12T19:33:00.001-07:00

Working 12 hour days 5 days a week, plus a 3 hour commute, doesn't leave much time for blogging.
But there are moments to be captured.
Like when K****i listed his favorite place as the pharmacy and then wrote 5 small moments about it in writing.
Or K**k, and how autism, or whatever goes on in that brain of his, is fascinating and scary all at the same time. Sometimes he repeats, "We're in grave danger," over and over again. Sometimes he spaces out and won't respond to anyone or anything. Sometimes he cries hysterically. And sometimes....he's a totally normal 5 year old.
And my team. Teachers and administrators, working together for these kids. Showing up to work optimistic. Supporting one another. Working effeciently. Selflessly.
It is not perfect. And I am more tired and overextended than I've been possibly ever.
But I love my job. I look forward to going everyday. And I feel unbelievably supported.
This is what I moved here to do.

They're Succeeding

2008-09-04T18:11:00.000-07:00

My babies - in middle school.
"I miss our old class," lamented Yahkemp.
"Me, too," I confessed.
Comfortable silence was followed by regret all of the time I'd spent counting down the days until I wasn't his teacher anymore.
He was, after all....exhausting.
And hilarious, witty, brilliant, and brutally honest.
In many ways, he was one of the toughest students, and people, that I will ever meet and be responsible for educating.
And I miss him.
Like crazy.

Changes

2008-09-01T17:19:00.000-07:00

Their voices changed - my old kids.
I called them all today, to hear about their summers, to wish them good luck, and to tell them, just one more time, that if they needed anything, they could always call me.
I could hear Ken smiling on the other end of the phone as he told me about Six Flags and Coney Island.
Adony vowed to be bad if I didn't come back...I pleaded with him to make good choices, but can only hope that he does.
And the others...they are ready. I prepared them. I can only hope that their teachers are ready and see the potential in them that sometimes gets hidden beneath the need to be tough and survive.
Tomorrow we will enter different doors. Me a charter school in Brooklyn, them public schools all over the Bronx.
2 years ago we met for the first time.
Who'd have thought our journey would be so powerful?

2008-08-31T07:12:00.000-07:00

There are so many stories to tell...
about K**K, who gives himself high 5s, and D****i, who's IEP says he can not sort, identify objects, or spell his name. When I pulled him to test him, he did all of these things easily.
There's K****i, who some would like to see leave our school for a more restrictive setting....who is possibly the most joyful child I've ever seen.
These are the new babies.
But I am exhausted.
Balancing paperwork and deadlines with my desire to be in the classroom even when I'm supposed to be doing administrative tasks...
Working 12 hour days, and bracing myself for the year that is to come.
And calling my old kids, to wish them good luck in middle school and 5th grade, and let them know that they are amazing, and to try and make it seem okay that on Tuesday they will have a new teacher. As much as I love my new job, I'm still not okay with someone else teaching my old kids. Maybe I never will be.

Rest

2008-08-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Finally.
Yoga and sushi and quiet Friday nights are becoming a routine that keep me sane - focused.
And the dogs run as Bob Marley plays from my ITunes.
At 9:50 on a Friday night I am answering work emails, but it's okay.
Our kindergartners come in 4 days.
Little do they know, but they're lives are about to be changed.

Space to Breathe

2008-08-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

What I need is air, because there is none. No space to breathe, or be, or laugh that's not scheduled.
Today the Boy called to ask me for my DL number. I snapped at him because his 45 second phone call was not in my schedule.
And the reality is that my days are scheduled thattight - from 5 am until I crash, sometime between 10:30 and 11.
That schedule energizes me for a week or so. Then I begin to resent it.
Resentment began to creep in today.
When my dogs kept putting a toy on my foot - their way of saying, "Throw this so we can play fetch," signal, but I had a spreadsheet to update and a powerpoint to finish and handouts to print.
So I kicked it away.
And in this short little, unscheduled break that I will pay for on the back end of the day, I'm SO overwhelmed by the pace of the days that I've set for myself.
"So skip spinning," says my brain. "Stay home, cuddle with the boy on the couch. Play with the dogs."
But then the part of my brain that makes this schedule says, "Skip spinning?! But when will you make it up!! You have dinner with a friend tomorrow, late meetings Thursday, and happy hour Friday, and scheduled workouts Saturday and Sunday. No make up time. You MUST go tonight. Ignore body, soul, and others around you - follow the flexibinder."
But I'm so beyond exhausted....and kids haven't even returned yet.
Oy.

Energized

2008-08-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

By a team building afternoon spent painting pottery with colleagues I grow to respect and enjoy more and more everyday. It's hard to believe that 3 weeks ago I didn't know some of them.
By approaching 5:00 wake up times. Top colleges are waiting for my kids - it's my job to make sure they get there - who needs sleep?
By great classes at my gym - spinning Tuesday nights and yoga on Fridays. Ending my weeks with namaste.
By knowing that in a little over a year I will be officially spending the rest of my life with this man who somehow wants to sign up for this craziness for the rest of his life.
By realizing that this is what I dreamed of.
And it's not perfect - and it will not be easy. And that I feel super overwhelmed a lot of the time with all of the to dos and flexi binders and emails but that this is why I'm here.
Yes.
This, folks, will be good.
Stay tuned.

Finding my Place

2008-08-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

In sessions that are meant for classroom teachers.
And when I ask about my role, often times they'll say....oh yeah....ask so and so.
And so I continue to lesson plan as if I would have my own classroom. This would be so useful if I was a classroom teacher....but I'm not....and I'm left feeling a little overwhelmed and having so many what exactly am I going to be doing questions.
Change always brings apprehension....and so I fill my days with happy hours and dinners with friends and classes at our new gym and picking music for our wedding.
And sometimes it feels like there's no room to breathe except in the 5:45 am space where the rest of the world is still asleep and I tip toe out of bed so quietly that neither the Boy or the dogs wake.

2008-08-07T18:04:00.000-07:00

So I've been gone for a while, but for a good reason.
There were birthdays to celebrate, country air to breathe, good food to eat, people to see, and a wedding to plan. (Yep - the Boy and I got engaged a week and a half ago!)

But now it's back to teacher land, and this week we've been in full swing with staff training for my new school. I've been in Connecticut this week, training where my charter school was originally founded, with like minded, inspiring, amazing teachers/people.
For once, closing the achievement gap on a large scale seems possible. I'm finally part of an organization that I can stay with for a while - who focuses on kids, not paperwork or stupid school ratings or state tests.
I'm excited, nervous, anxious, but oh so glad I'm here.
Moving ever forward....

In my new role I'm part Sped coordinator/part pull out teacher. It will be a big change from having my own classroom and my own kids all day everyday.
I've become obsessed with Sped policies and procedures and Outlook calendar is my best friend. Who'd have thought....
And at the base of all of this is a mission - one that started with TFA but became so concrete because of 13 kids I spent 2 years with.
And yet a little part of me....actually, 99% of my heart, is still not at peace with the fact that I won't be their teacher in September. Maybe it never will be.

Forward

2008-07-07T18:45:00.000-07:00

And so I move forward...but not without looking back, and obsessively keeping in touch with my kids, as much for me as for them.
Today I met my new kids and spent the day at my new job, meeting teachers and colleagues. At my new job I'll be a "learning specialist" and "special education coordinator". Basically I'll work with kids in small groups for part of the day, both in and out of the classroom. I'll also teach reading for 1 block of the day, and have parts of my day blocked off for administrative special ed duties, because I'll do the IEPs for the whole school. I have an office, not a classroom. I have a desk, and a phone, and tons and tons of materials I could only dream about at my old school. I wanted to stay afterwards and play :)
I met my kids, or some of them, and chatted with them over lunch. One told me about a movie he saw over the weekend, then went right into, "and on Saturday my dad died and my cousin tried to stab my aunt, but he didn't, and now he's in jail." He was so nonchalant, but talked for half an hour about his dad, the funeral, and how the rest of his life would be much harder because now he just had his mom. I wanted to bawl. This little 7 year old just told the story matter of factly with his bookbag on his shoulders and a chocolate milk mustache on his lips. My new kids need help, too, I thought. But still....
The excitement for the coming year is overshadowed by the doubt that maybe I didn't make the right decision. That I abandoned my kids and colleagues at my old school. That it wasn't time to leave. But maybe it would never have been the right time to leave. Then again, maybe I should have stayed one more year. To see Adony, Joshua, Chris, Adrielis, Brianna, and Jose graduate. I've never had a harder goodbye than the one on the last day of school. We walked around the school yard crying. Joshua had to be escorted to his bus because he wouldn't stop holding on to me, and I didn't have the emotional strength to pry him off. Adony tried holding the classroom door shut so we couldn't leave.....and at the end of the day, as the rest of the building emptied, my kids surrounded me in my room with a group hug.
So even as the excitement grows, I wonder if I'll ever find what I found with those 13 kids those first few weeks of September, 2006. Somehow, I don't think it's possible.

Reflection from the Mouths of Those Who Made the Experience

2008-07-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

Chris's reader's notebook went from being covered with gang graffiti to the following poem (not originally written by him...):
I can overcome my fears
I can buy for the hungry
I can help stop pollution
I can give to the poor
I can be what I want
I can use my head
I can give advice
I can receive
I can behave
I can listen
I can think
I can teach
I can know
I can give
I can feel
I can see
I can

I asked him if I could have it. He asked why.
"To remember one of the smartest 11 year olds I've ever met," I said.

2008-06-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

"Life is nothing but a bunch of start-overs"
My wise Aunt Ginny

In 5 days my life will do a complete 180. School will be over, we'll move to Brooklyn, and I'll once again feel like a tourist in my own city....the only substantial time I spent in Brooklyn was when I was looking for apartments :)
Change is needed, but resisted at the same time...and with daily pleads to stay another year I find it hard to come home to boxes, bare walls, and empty cupboards.
The last week was full of happy hours that lasted well in to the night, late planning sessions at school to make sure their new teacher had EVERYTHING she needed to educate my babies....and hours of story telling with both colleagues and kids. We've experienced so much in these last 2 years...and while it was never easy, I can't imagine having done anything else after college.
It's time to go....to start over....to see where the next leg of the journey will take us.
Me, the Boyfriend, the 2 dogs, and the piles of boxes that have become our home.
We're different now, and tied by 12 strings to a little neighborhood school in the Bronx.

2008-06-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

I underestimated them, once again. I never, even in the best case scenario, thought they would be this understanding or this well behaved....or this eager to keep in touch.
I cried, they cried. I started by telling them how proud I was of them, pointed out individual growth in each student and as they clapped I cried....I could see on their faces that they knew, and by the time I uttered the words, "but I won't be teaching here next year," no one was really surprised.
The first thing they asked was if they could still call, and email. "You better," I said.
And when I told them I would take a day off to come to their graduation, they gave each other high fives and cheered.
My babies - loyal to the end.
And so began the exchange of myspace info and email and hi5 accounts and 30 minutes later I had made them fully capable of stalking me forever - just the way I want it.
By the time I got home half of them had already added me to their MSN, made novel because it was something I hadn't allowed earlier in the year.
They need to stay in touch as much as I do.....and as the end of the day came with pleads to stay one more year, I knew that they would be okay....and so would I....and that a year from now I'll be returning to watch the remainder of my kids walk across the stage....
I couldn't be more proud.

More Snapshots

2008-06-17T19:02:00.001-07:00

I remember the weeks before college graduation and how I would look around at people knowing it was the last time I would see them, eat with them, go to class with them, etc, and I found myself wanting to hold on to these seemingly everyday moments because the finality of everything somehow gave these routine things more importance.
I find the same thing happening with my kids. Today 5 of them were sorting papers on the rug. No fights or put downs or problems of any kind, but instead simple cooperation in a tiny spot doing what has become one of their favorite classroom tasks. I watched them, amazed at how they had grown, both physically and socially, until Chris said, "Stop, Ms. G. is waiting for us to listen."
"Actually Chris, I was just watching you guys and how great you were all working together," I said, and left, not realizing how long I had probably been standing there.
They all kind of looked at me like I had lost it, and I don't think they'll ever understand the depth of pride I have at times like silent reading when they're actually silent and reading, or during Social Studies when other classes are watching movies but my class is dying to read about the Revolutionary War.
They've come so far, and it's finally clicking that now is the time to stand back and enjoy it. Not push further or wonder what could have been, but take them for where they are, remember where they came from, and celebrate the incredible journey we've shared.

2008-06-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'm telling my kids that I'm not coming back to my school.
Today, at happy hour, one of the other teachers warned, "They're gonna revolt."
"I'm gonna try to play it as a good thing because they're getting a great new teacher, I'll still be in touch...change will be good for them," I said, trying to convice myself as much as her.
Afterall, the closer it gets, the harder it is to come to grips with this decision that I know is right but feels so....not right....because of what will be left behind.
"They're still gonna revolt," she said.
"I'm kind of afraid of that," I replied.
All of our memories, good and bad, have come down to the fact that I, too, am leaving them. Even I can't find justification for that.

Snapshots

2008-06-12T18:49:00.001-07:00

Yet another one of our teachers graduated today with his masters degree. My kids make a huge deal out of it. I let them. They need to know that post high school education is important and something to be proud of.
"If I drop out of school, will you send me a card?" Chris asked.
"Only if it's followed by a big kick in the butt," I jokingly responded.
"That's what I thought," he said.
"Man, if I drop out of school, I'ma move and not tell Ms. G where I live," Adony added.
"You'll have to do better than that," I said. "I'll find you."
"Yeah, I'd have to change my name." he concluded.
"How about ya'll just graduate and lead fantastic lives," I said.
"Yeah, that's what I'ma do anyways," Chris said.

And the days pass more quickly than I'm ready for them to, but the end of this experience is inevitable...who'd have thought 2 years ago that these kids would become mine?
They are leaving bigger, stronger, older, smarter, wiser, changed. I see it in their conversations, in the way they interact with the world around them, and the fact that in these days when numbers are dwindling, I have nearly all of my kids in school, waiting to see what we're going to learn today.
"You're still teaching?!" a colleague said in disbelief as I worked on next week's lesson plans after school today.
"Yep," I replied.
"Oh yeah, your kids actually show up," said another.
"Yep," I replied...smiled....and got back to work.
Time to be totally and completely their teacher - 10 more days and this is all over.

Too Fast

2008-05-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

The only 2 words that can accurately describe how the end of the year is shaping up.
The days fly by, and somewhere between Monday and Friday are moments where I try to fill them with everything I can; knowledge, confidence, courage...wisdom.
On Friday they met my parents - interviewed them for 45 minutes about Kansas and life where I grew up. I'd never seen them so engaged in 2 people for such a long time.
My 5th graders graduate 4 weeks from Monday.
20 days, minus PD days, 2 half days, and all of the school they miss at the end of the year, and our time is almost done.
Panic - where did the last 2 years go? Did I do enough? Give enough? Will they forget? Will they be angry when I leave? What does the future have in store for them...and me?
There's only so much I can control, and after June 28th I have to trust someone else to teach them.
The thought of that makes me physically sick.

Fessin' Up

2008-05-15T19:32:00.001-07:00

Today I told my AP I was leaving at the end of the year.
It did not come out like I'd imagined it.
It was forced, by the fact that our preference sheets are due tomorrow and she will be gone. I didn't want to turn in a paper saying "I'm not coming back" without telling her first...so at the end of a tiring day I sat down in her office and just told her.
I didn't thank her for her help as much as I should have or intended to...didn't tell her how much the last 2 years had meant or how much I would miss the school and my kids.
The best of intentions sometimes just don't play out the way you think they will.
"I'm sad," she said.
"Me too," I replied.
And it was pretty much left at that.
Both knowing there was much more to say, but not much point in it being said.
It's time for a change....this is not the first time change has felt so hard. 2 years ago everything inside of me was telling me not to come here. I'm so glad I did.

2008-05-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

Get so caught up everyday
Tryna keep it all together
While the time it slips away
You see I know nothing last forever

Imagine there was no tomorrow
Imagine that I couldn't see your face
There would be no limit to my sorrow
So all I can say

I wanna tell you something, give you something
Show you in so many ways
'cause it would all mean nothing if I don't say something before it all goes away
Alicia Keys

The end of the year is full of paper work and looking forward, but I find myself hanging on desperately to every hour I have with my kids, for fear that I will regret the decision I made to leave them. Slowly but surely people are finding out that I am leaving and explanations of why make less and less sense...to me, and to them. This is the time of year where its easy to forget all that happened in earlier months, and instead you look only at the success that all the struggle produced.
Sometimes they attempt to convince me to stay, other times they only wish me luck and say how much the kids will miss me. "Only 2 more pay periods left," said someone today. She said it with hope. It made me panic.
2 more pay periods to teach my kids all I can...about reading, math...life. I'm not egotistical enough to believe that they'll never have a good teacher again...but some of them need help NOW, and there's a panic that I didn't give enough, didn't listen enough, didn't teach enough....that they need more, and I'm abandoning them.
I carry a guilt with me every day like none I've ever felt before. Maybe it will be better once they know...but for now I find myself trying to impart so much wisdom in each and every moment when my kids are full of spring fever and talking about "next year when we....." not knowing that I won't be part of their next year.

Done

2008-05-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

With grad school.
As of Saturday, I'm officially done, and graduation is May 21st.
As a final activity we had to fill out chart paper with "things we would take with us" and "things we'd leave behind"....not from grad school, but the TFA experience....from learning to be a teacher, a New Yorker, and....well....a grown up.
Some were funny, some were serious, and some gave rise to this knot in my throat that is still there when I think about the last day of school in June.
I looked around the room at people I'd known for the last 2 years. We came in thinking we could change the world, that we knew everything about urban education, and that nothing could shake us as people. I think all of that was shattered within our first week as teachers.
We were shaken, proved wrong, questioned, and and made responsible for some of the toughest kids you'll probably ever meet - the special education students of NYC's public schools.
We came in as future accountants, lawyers, investment bankers, and politicians. We're leaving as teachers. Even those of us that aren't staying in education can't help but look at the world as an advocate. "My kids" is the way we begin every other sentence, even though very few of us have any biological children.
This is not the end, but the beginning of lives changed, not just for us, but for our students.
We've made a difference. Could the impact have been bigger? Yes. Could we have been better? Yes. Is there room for improvement within TFA? Yes. But are my kids better off because I was their teacher? I hope so, because I definitely am. That's what I'll try to take with me....that....and the privilege of getting to know 13 of the most resilient people I've ever met.

Break

2008-04-19T17:07:00.000-07:00

We've made it to the turning point.
When we return from break it will be time to begin graduation practice (for 5th grade), do intense reteaching, especially in math, to make sure kids master what they need to before they leave the grade, and fill them with all I can, academically and otherwise, before I leave.
I'm not sure that I've stated it officially here, but I will be leaving at the end of the year.
I will remain in NYC, and I will be teaching kids of the same socioeconomic population....but I will be joining a staff at a school that does it the right way. It will mean moving to Brooklyn, and working long hours (it's a charter school), and not belonging to the UFT anymore....and I'm so ready.
The only hard part is leaving my kids. With under 2 months left, it doesn't seem real.
"They'll write....you'll always be in touch....they're your babies," assure other teachers at my school.
"You'll always know them. You're a family," one said to me the other day.
"But what if they don't?" I asked.
"They will," she said.
But what if they don't.......
And I realize that I need them probably more than they need me. They have been my life for 2 years. The reason I gave up a world I had built somewhere else to move to a city where I knew no one. The reason I went in to work sick, exhausted, and stressed beyond comprehension. The reason I can't imagine doing anything else for the rest of my life.
They are not just my students.
They were the first....and goodbye is not an option.

Power

2008-04-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

The "N" Word

In this modern day world
We seem to consume
The "N" word of hate
The slave word for doom

This word has been drenched
In red from our blood
It enslaved us like swine
Chain dragged through the mud

How fast we forget
Those lynch mobs and scars
The burnings and beatings
Those hot branding bars

Our freedom was taken
Our humanity stole
We were just that "N" word
No body no soul

Our women were raped
Some men were castrated
Black children were sold
Our race was degraded

With the crack of a whip
This word was yelled out
With each break in our necks
The rope showed no doubt

We were hunted like prey
Then put on the block
We were branded as slaves
With a chain brace and lock

This "N" word was use
To take guilt out of blame
Because it made us inhuman
To be killed with no shame

Yet after all of those years
Of that suffering pain
The use of this word
Has weaken our brain

We throw it around
Like a word with no past
But history lives on
From the shadow it cast

It's now part of our language
In every sentence we say
It shows off our ignorance
In a sorry sad way

There's no other culture
And no other race
That would embrace such a slur
Or welcome disgrace

Yet we as Black people
Have done so for years
Our dignity lost
Without feelings or tears

It's part of the reason
We will never excel
Or out-live our slums
And Ghetto-ish hell

I read this with my kids today. I can't even describe the conversation we had.
None of my kids use the word in my classroom, but many do in the yard and the street, and it is still very much a part of their culture.
"There's a lot of blood behind that word," said Yahkemp at the end.
"I'm gonna tell people not to say it anymore," said Chris.
"Yeah, me too," added Jose.
Knowledge is power.

Quality Review

2008-03-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

She said it well here.

http://teachinginnyc.blogspot.com/2008/03/our-quality-has-been-reviewed.html

Quality reviews are a big show. Want to know how schools really are? Show up randomly. Talk to random kids, go in to random classrooms, and pick the parents you want to speak to. A great school would be okay with that.

2008-03-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

The old Jose is back.
His journey complicated to say the least...he came in 20 minutes early today so we could go over his individual behavior plan. "Do you think I'm a trouble maker?" he asked me.
I paused.
I remembered his actions in all the time I had known him, nearly 2 years now.
Forgive....forgive....forgive....
"I think you are a very good kid who sometimes makes bad choices," I said. "But we all make bad choices sometimes. But smart people learn from their bad choices and don't make them again," I said. "They also never hurt others on purpose."
"Sometimes I do that," he said in a way that made him seem so small and me so big.
"I know," I replied. "But today is a new day, and I believe that you can change."
We went on to have a conversation about the 4 schools he has been to this year, how none wanted him, and how he eventually ended up back at ours.
"We want you here," I said. "This is your classroom now," I said.
This child, who caused such havoc in my room last year, is now back, and it is now my job to make him feel more welcome than he has felt since September.
Forgive....forgive....forgive....

From the Mouths of Others

2008-03-23T16:51:00.000-07:00

"At the end of the day, our story is just about kids. Real living, breathing, eating, drinking, sometimes loud, sometimes annoying, sometimes funny, always beautiful, always amazing kids."
-An excerpt from a letter we received from our SpEd Program Directors

Brief Update

2008-03-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

The Old New One is still in the psych ward/mental institution...it's been over 2 weeks now.
Oy.
My New New One is such a character and a good influence on my room.
My second long term sub just got another job, so we go back to the 'different para every day' routine tomorrow. Time, once again, to band together.
3 months left.
To educate. Inspire. Teach. Learn.
Some days it still feels like just surviving.

2008-03-12T19:02:00.001-07:00

The New One is no longer the New One, for I got a new student on Monday. Jose, not to be confused with my old Jose, came to us with a smile and a stern warning from mom about not being on meds.
By the end of day 1 I was in love. Yeah, he's ADHD. It took me about 30 minutes to figure that out. But I've never had an ADHD kid who wasn't angry. Jose tells laffy taffy jokes. He says 'psych' about 50 times a day. And he asks 'trick questions', to which there are no answers. "That was a trick question," he says, "which means there isn't an answer, cause it's a trick, get it?"
I love him. He's little, genuine, and lightens the mood of my 13 year old, angry at the world because they're still in 4th grade classroom.
"Hey, this class is fun. We never did anything fun in my other class," he said today.
It's nice to have a kid appreciate differentiation :)

Meanwhile, the Old New One is in a psych ward, where he has been since Friday. He was taken away from his legal guardian by ACS. Keep him in your thoughts. He needs intense counseling, but we all know how those places can be. We're just hoping doesn't come back worse....

#2

2008-03-04T17:40:00.000-08:00

The New One, who is not so new any more, but his placement so complicated that I will never use his name on this blog, received his second superintendent's suspension of the month today.
This is the most severe kind of suspension you can receive in NYC, and it involves being sent to another school.
This incident is for throwing a large rock at a class that was lined up to go to an assembly, then cursing out the teacher....but his rap sheet is such that any thing that goes in the system warrants a suspension.
Today he tore things off the door, banged on our windows, and screamed at us while kids were working in small groups. I told that principal, who replied, "that's him,".
I'm again left with the sacrificing one for 11 dilemma....but somewhere inside of me is a voice that knows that 1 is somebody's baby and a child that will someday grow up to become an adult who will remember everything we said and did to him.

Today is March 1st

2008-03-01T14:37:00.001-08:00

Which means that in 4 months, school will be over.
I am tired.
A kind of tired that sleep, or even a week off, does not fix.

In the past year and a half my kids have made incredible growth in reading. Some grew over 2 and a half years in 10 months.
We met grade level math standards with 87% mastery even though some didn't know the addition and subtraction sign when we started.
We took field trips to places my students had never seen and proved so many people wrong over...and over....and over again.
And Mario incited a riot and assaulted the principal of the other school in our building.
And Elvis's mom died.
And some of my kids went to more restrictive settings.
And at the end of the day I walk away heavier. Sometimes I carry books, sometimes their work to grade, other times just the weight of their lives, and my own, that was relocated half way across the country for this experience and most days still doesn't really fit here.

Nevertheless, a year and a half later, it has been a long journey, and I need to wake up and do something else in the morning. It's not even about leaving them anymore. I will never leave them, I just won't be their teacher anymore.

2008-02-25T17:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I sit back in amazement at how comfortable everything has become. Them with me and me with them. Gone are the days of yelling and lecturing and even waiting for long periods of time for them to be quiet so I can teach.
With each day that passes we become more and more of a family. It's been almost 2 years now since I shook their hands for the first time and the relationship we have is so incredibly powerful, the expectations so much higher than they were months ago.
We are well on our way to meeting our class goals in reading and math. Kids applied to some of the best middle schools available to them and are excited about their future.
We're changing, all of us....
Somebody asked me the other day if I feel like I'm closing the gap. I told them no. My kids are.

Quotes of the Week

2008-02-15T15:44:00.000-08:00

"The math journals really need to be more challenging. You're disgracing my mentality."
Malik to me

"It takes a smart guy, not a tough guy, to make change."
Yahkemp
*So profound, if you only knew his gang banger, tough guy, I don't care about anything attitude. He had refused to go to his weekly counseling session that day, so I requested that the counselor just stay in the room and observe - this came as a result of the conversation about why he was refusing to go. Today he was yelling and screaming at me. But yesterday.....he was profound :)

"I ate 'em at lunch. I made a good choice." "Finally."
Julius
And we all laughed. You see, Julius has this issue of sneaking chips, candy, juice...whatever....in his pockets. One day it was a piece of fried chicken - and he eats it throughout the day. I smell it, eventually take it away, and we have this whole big conversation about when would have been an appropriate time to have eaten the food.
So today he smelled like Doritos, and I patted him down (yes, I do search my kids, and take whatever I find.) Anyways...he got this big smile on his face.
"It's my breath," he said. "I ate 'em at lunch. I made a good choice....finally."
"Yo, but you got some kickin' breath!' said Adony from across the room.
"Yes, I do." said Julius.
But his breath I can not take, and for that, he smiled :)

Happy winter break to all of us. We certainly need it.

Show Me The Budget

2008-02-07T17:49:00.001-08:00

The phrase, "there isn't money for that," has been the mantra this year, and in true 'our principal' fashion we got a memo in our box yesterday stating that today would be the last day of both our afterschool and Saturday school programs. They can't afford to pay the teachers for extended hours anymore.Rumor is that my para will be taken out of my room. She's a sub, and subs cost money. The money to hire a permanent one, when released from the state, was put somewhere else in the budget and is now long gone, I'm sure.So illegal not to have a para in a 12:1:1, especially when The New One just last week threatened to kill my para and said that we hit him in the face when in reality it was he who placed binder clips all over his face to make marks. I refuse to teach this child without another adult in the room - the danger is simply too high. That's why he's in a 12:1:1 in the first place.And this mysterious budget that is so often spoke about is never actually seen, nor are we told where the money actually does go. We just know that our bulletin boards, charts, and portfolios are to be perfect at all times, because that, folks, is public education in NYC.

Keepin' Focused

2008-01-27T17:45:00.000-08:00

Kiddo's midlines, as promised :)

Adony's - Titled 'My Best Friend'
My best friend Elvis who I met the first time I came to this school. He was in my class. He paid for a school trip one time. On January 8, 2008, Yahkemp told me that Elvis's mother died in her sleep and Elvis was crying because he only had his mother. The one he loved. Ms. G told me to go to the bathroom and I cried and he did not get to say goodbye. She was a nice lady who cared about her son and we all loved her. She was like family and now my best friend is in the Dominican Republic looking at his mother's tombstone. I wish the best to his family. Rest in Peace Ms. America. We all miss you.

Malik's - Titled 'Should Kids Get Paid for Going to School - Yes or No?'
Should kids get paid yes because when kids go to school on the bus or they walk they risk their life going to school. And when we are in school in the cafeteria eating lunch it could be a fier and the firetrucks take too long. And a robber could act like he is somebodys dad or uncle. This is why kids should get paid.
If kids got paid we could by our own clothes, and a phone for emergency. So if we were to get kidnapped we will have a phone to call the cops. And our mothers would not have to take out of her money that she work hard for to buy us stuff. And the government know that they have th emoney and thats why I think kids should get paid.

Ken's - Titled 'Bruce Lee vs. Jackie Chan'
Introduction
Bruce Lee is a very good fighter. He just as strong as Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan has good moves and is a good athlete. Bruce Lee is also a good athlete. Bruce Lee usually use numchucks to fight. Jackie Chan sometimes uses broomsticks to hit bad guys hard. Jackie Chan is like a tiger and is fast like a cheetah. Bruce Lee moves quick like a dragon.
Story
One day Jackie Chan came up to Bruce Lee and said "Do you think you can beat me?" Bruce Lee said "Ha ha uh I am sure of that." Jack Chan said "Well well lets fight tomorrow at 10:00 o'clock in the morning." The next morning Bruce Lee was waiting in the park for Jackie Chan. He was dressed in black pants with a bandana. He had a pair of numchucks. Jackie Chan had got there at 9:58. He was dressed as a ninja with a sword.
The battle began at 10 o'clock. People were cheering for Bruce Lee because he was quick as a dragon. Bruce Lee hit Jackie Chan with the pair of numchucks 20 times in the face. Cops had to come even the ambulance. Bruce Lee won the fight. Jackie Chan been in the hospital for 3 years.

2008-01-25T18:24:00.000-08:00

He greeted me with a smile. "Today is a new day," he declared.
"Yes, it is," I responded. My own words, the philosophies I've taught them, come back to haunt me when I'm so burnt out that I can't forgive them.
For their words, actions...can't forget the broken desk in the back of the room and posters that have been made numerous times because they chose to tear them down and all of the things that have been stolen since the new one arrived.
But I must. I must shake their hand and truly believe that today is a new day. For me, and for them....
But I'm human, and sometimes forgiveness is hard.

2008-01-24T18:26:00.000-08:00

Today Malik threw a desk 7 feet across the room. It broke. His books went flying everywhere.
Chris continued singing Spider Pig, and Yahkemp freaked out because I didn't believe that someone spit on him (his justification for punching them, although there was no spit anywhere on him and none of his friends saw it...hhmm...) His stepfather came, took my side of the argument, and then he yelled that he didn't love his stepfather anymore.
If these kids have taught me anything it's that forgiveness is necessary.
He was back in my room 30 minutes later.

But two other kids at my school were taken to the psych ward and one was arrested, so maybe we're not doing so bad.
Oh how the expectations have changed....

2008-01-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year, when the 'important people' come in and review our school and give us our grade.
My principal is ALL ABOUT this. Most are, but mine, this is all he cares about - this and test scores, mostly because the 'important people' care about test scores too.
I wonder if they care that one of my kids' mom's died or that Yahkemp had a fire at his house or that another one of my kids hasn't had his meds since November and is slowly deteriorating before our eyes but there's really nothing we can do.
Actually, they don't care.
As long as my bulletin boards and portfolios and charts are perfect.
So that's what I spend time doing. Bulletin boards and portfolios and charts.
But I also spend time consoling and teaching and coaxing him to just stop singing the Spider Pig song.
In the midst of all of this we're doing an AMAZING fairy tales unit. I'll post some of their work here soon, when the craziness is over.
But for now....Miss G is exhausted, for all the wrong reasons.

2008-01-17T18:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday and my kids made a HUGE deal of it. They told just about everyone in the school and threw me a big surprise birthday party during lunch. I still can't get over the fact that none of them accidentally told me in the days leading up to the party...and that they were actually able to organize something like this. Mind you, these are kids that need help remembering to turn in homework and that lose their pencils numerous times per hour.
We had pizzas, 15 bags of chips, and an ice cream cake....music, and lots of stories about days past. I told them it was one of the best birthday parties I'd ever had, and I meant it.
And then I spent the bus ride home wondering how I could ever just walk away from them...

2008-01-11T15:52:00.000-08:00

This week was the week where true colors were exposed.
Tuesday there was a fatal drive by in front of our school. A 14 year old (not from our school) was killed. This is the third school on the same block as my school in 2 months. This kind of violence is abnormal for this neighborhood and I sense in myself and my kids a hesitation that wasn't there before....things that were automatic before now require thought.
We had incredible conversations about bullying, racism, gangs, and death. My kids have grown so much in the last year and a half, and so have I.
As I continue to interview for jobs for next year I become increasingly okay with the thought of leaving them. They will always be mine - the bond we made can not be broken with physical distance. Elvis's departure showed us that.
"I was so moved by how your kids hugged him," remarked another teacher.
"They're tight," I said. "You have to remember, these kids have been together for a long time. They don't shuffle classes every year like most kids."
"And they hung on every word you said. They didn't want a counselor or (my principal)...they wanted to know what you had to say. That's so different from most kids." she added.
They fight with each other, but when push comes to shove, the bond that we have as a class is pretty hard to break. Our true colors showed this week and I have to admit - I was proud to call myself their teacher.

2008-01-08T16:00:00.000-08:00

Adony never came back after the break, which meant 4 straight absences in a row. While he's definitely not my perfect attendance student, 4 in a row is rediculous even for him, so I asked a couple of the aides to go check on him. (It's city policy in NYC that if you miss 3 in a row someone from the school goes to your house - this doesn't usually happen. You have to make friends with people that live in the neighborhood if you want to keep track of kids...)
They went to his house and who walked in this morning but a bruised, swollen, black eyed Adony. Upon his return from winter break, he was jumped by 6 gang members on the way to school. What we saw today were the wounds time hadn't healed. The gang member part is important here because I've always been suspicious of Adony himself (but never been able to prove anything, nor have I wanted to.) Luckily he was not badly hurt.
The scary thing is it happened only a block from our school, about 15 minutes before school starts, and no one stopped to help. He is also not scared, but angry. My kids responded with a spirit of retaliation, even though the students who jumped him were much larger and older than any of my students. It is a constant effort to change this mindset - this cycle of violence that seems to be all my students understand as right.
I'm so frustrated. With the setbacks. With not knowing that my kids are safe when they leave school. With the fact that I can't put them in a little bubble and protect them because right now I really really want to.

2008-01-07T13:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Elvis's mom died of a sudden stroke. 39 years old.
He returned from a visit to his father's house to find her dead. Upon finding out, his step father, who has lived with them since Elvis was 2, had a massive heart attack and is currently in ICU.
He was discharged at the end the day today. We had made him cards and wrote letters.
"Can I take the test with you?" he asked. "I don't want to take it in a new school."
That's what he was concerned about - the test.
But he will not take it with me. I will probably never see him again.
In a day a child I've spent the last year and a half bonding with, teaching, at times agonizing over, is now gone. For good.
My kids cried today when he left. So did I....out of sadness, but more out of fear for what his life was going to be like.
This is why the work we do is so important. When he came to me he could not read or write his name. He now reads on a 3rd grade level, is on grade level in math, and is a very creative writer.
Everyday that we have with our kids might be the last. Tomorrow I teach with a new sense of urgency.

2007-12-15T08:12:00.001-08:00

"I'm not calling for a second chance
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again."
James Blunt

The not so new one called kids names so horrible I will not type, or hint, at them in a public forum, nor would I repeat them to my mother on the phone. He also rocked back and forth in his chair, chanting, "I'm gonna kill some one," over and over again. When no one responded, he said it louder, and when still no one responded he stood up on his chair and screamed, "I'M GONNA KILL SOME ONE!!!" Security entered the room, having been called by another teacher. Amazing, the few times I've called they've never come.
He was removed and my kids sat, stunned.
"I feel like I'm on that show where they arrest people and they put it on tv and then it's a show," said Joshua. "If I was on that show, I would give people my autograph."
I thanked my kids for ignoring him - we'd had a class meeting earlier about how sometimes, when things are going on at home or inside of you, you say and do things that you don't mean and that the best thing we can do for him and ourselves as a class is ignore him and help him when he expresses a need for help. Since that meeting my kids had been beyond amazing. His pencil fell on the floor, 3 of them raced to pick it up. He needed a piece of paper, 2 of them were ripping one out of their notebooks. These were kids that were ready to rip him to pieces 30 minutes before....
And then, somehow, they all went back to work, and so did I, and eventually, the new one came back as if nothing had ever happened.
I can't imagine growing up in a world, or being educated in a classroom, with peers who say (and feel) such intense anger and hopelessness.

The New One

2007-12-11T17:57:00.000-08:00

My not so new new kid has been wreaking havoc on my classroom.
Transitions are hard for him, and he has been bounced around from classroom to classroom for 2 years now, so I've definitely been holding his hand through the last month of getting used to instruction in my room.
But each morning gets worse, and the days less productive, so finally today I told him he would not be allowed back in to my classroom without a parent conference.
After spending the day in suspension, his foster parent was at my door when we dismissed.
At what point is the environment not right for the child because it is not right for the rest of the children?
Maybe a 12:1:1 would work for him somewhere else, but because of his history here, the dynamic in this room, with these students, does not work.
He needs consistency, and our school has given him nothing but inconsistency, and with new paras every day, my room is not as predictable as he needs it to be.
We must figure out a way to lead this kid to success....starting with tomorrow.

Gone...

2007-12-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

Today my para was terminated. Officially. Finally. After 3 months of not showing up, then coming back last week. 3 months of different subs every day, some times every period, some times not at all.
The inconsistency is killing us.
This is a good thing....but change is never easy, and it will not come without resistance.
12 days before the ELA...said my NYC educator brainwashed self.
Worry more about their emotions and your classroom culture overall...said the good teacher that worries more about them than about whether they are a 2 or a 3.

This too shall pass....and at the end it will be me, and my babies....and eventually, just my babies.
For I, too, will be gone come September.
But I will be gone in the right way.
I will leave them smarter. More confident. More able to handle whatever life throws at them.
And they will always be mine.
But this is not a healthy place to work, or develop as a professional, and it is time to move on.
They will not be abandoned by me. They will be empowered. And she will be just another person who couldn't handle them.

15 days...

2007-12-05T15:47:00.000-08:00

And I don't understand why life revolves around the ELA.

But it does.

Last night we were sitting on the couch, eating dinner, and my boyfriend asks me a question to which I respond, "There's only 16 more days until the ELA."
Thank goodness he puts up with me.
And that soon the test will be over.

2007-12-03T17:42:00.001-08:00

Today we were talking about electricity, starting with figuring out what the kids already knew.
I was surprised about how much my kids knew about Benjamin Franklin and his experiment. As the kids began to discuss replicating Franklin's experiment, I reminded them of how his experiment was very dangerous, and how he's lucky he didn't die, which led the kids to discuss how they would change his experiment if they were him. They are, afterall, experts in the design of scientific experiments :)
"I would wear rubber shoes," said Malik.
"I would put rubber tires all around me," said Ken.
"I would use a dummy," said Adony.
"A dummy?" asked Joshua.
"How would you know if the dummy got shocked?" someone else asked.
"A dummy?" Joshua asked again.
"Yeah, a dummy, so then you wouldn't risk your life," said Adony.
"But dummies have feelings!" exclaimed Joshua, a look of utmost concern on his face.
It took every ounce of control to hold back my laughter....there had been a misunderstanding...and only I had caught it.
"No they don't!" exclaimed Malik! "They're dummies!"
"DUMMIES HAVE FEELINGS!!" exclaimed Joshua.
Now he was upset. Fists banging on desk, standing up in anger....it was time to intervene.
"Yo - they're like dolls," said Adony.
"What?" asked Joshua.
"Like the kind they use to test cars," clarified Adony.
"Oh," said Joshua.
And I smiled....and so did Joshua....and eventually we carried on our conversation, but not before a much needed, tension breaking laugh.

2007-11-29T16:56:00.000-08:00

Highs:
2 of my babies got perfect scores on the short answer part of their state Social Studies exam. We were at school until 8 last night grading them. They blew most of the gen ed kids out of the water. SO incredibly proud of them. SO proud. My kids that didn't get perfect scores weren't far behind those that did. If they weren't so darn big I would pick them up and spin them around in circles. I hoped for it...wanted for it....planned for it....but for some reason, didn't expect them to score quite as high as they scored. I expected more silly mistakes like I had seen in class. I won't be able to tell them their exact scores until the official ones come back in April or May, but today I told them they did well on that part, and my expression was satisfaction enough. They were excited - we gave them 2 cheers - they smiled all morning, and so did I :)

They are motivated, oh so motivated, to meet their goals. Be they reading, writing, or behavior goals, my kiddos know where they are and where they're headed and they know how they're going to get there. We are a group on a mission and it's clear when you walk in our room. At least when I'm in there....

Lows:
Rotating paras every period - one day I had no para for 3 and a half hours (super duper illegal)
New students routinely - lack of structure makes my kids angry. They are focused, but edgey. They go off at everything and everyone. It takes every little ounce of control to say, "calm down, calm down," in a calm voice over....and over....and over....knowing that it's what they need.
A cluster (prep) teacher who covers my room for 50 minutes a day who does not plan lessons and has no classroom management skills. My kids feel like their time is wasted and they have no respect for him. The minute I leave my room is a war zone - loud, dangerous, toxic. They arrested Adony today, and by the time I returned from a meeting in the other building, only 2 kids remained in the classroom. He had taken my calm, focused class and allowed it to spiral into chaos.
"They get a zero," he said, referring to their behavior system.
I wanted to ask what he got...for allowing it to happen, day after day, and contributing to it by being an awful teacher, but I let it go...and instead worried about the 9 kids who were not in my room.
More lows than highs and the further we go down this journey the more I realize the dangers of such a strong attachment on both ends.

2007-11-25T18:38:00.001-08:00

The only day of this "holiday" I did not spend the majority of my day working on things for school was Thanksgiving. I cooked, ate, watched a movie, and remembered what it was like to be a person who sat on the couch without a computer on her lap typing out some kind of lesson plan or tracking sheet.

I made it through last year by telling myself that this year would be easier - that experience would allow me to work less - spend more time with friends and relax more. Instead, experience earns me the students no one else can handle, the rotating paras (the newest arrangement is a different para each period, which drives my kiddos absolutely crazy), and the chance to see what it's like to teach all 3 elementary testing grades in one room.

It is the 3rd month of school and I am burnt out.
My efforts to make instruction more purposeful (because I feel like now I actually understand what I should be doing) result in 70 hour work weeks.
There has to be a balance...but teaching 3 grades so far has meant 3 times the amount of work and while my kids are learning, I am exhausted.
There has to be a better way...

2007-11-19T15:21:00.000-08:00

Another new student today, on the day my regular para was supposed to come back but didn't (after nearly 2 months absence).
And so it goes....instability is not good for my kiddos.
I wish I could put them in a bubble and protect them from everything, but that would not be preparing them for life.
This new student used to be in my room. They tried general ed for a year, but it didn't work, so now he's back.
"No matter where you go, you always end up back here, huh?" said the science teacher. I wanted to smack him and yell things that would be oh so inappropriate in front of my children.
I must provide structure - as much as I can - but still prepare them for a world that is bound to be unstable - and for people that so often will not do or say the right things.

Why I Hate Special Ed

2007-11-16T15:05:00.000-08:00

I'm not calling for a second chance, I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again
James Blunt

Background for those of you who are not special educators:
Every student in my class has what's called an IEP (Individualized Education Plan). It's reviewed every year by me, the parent, and any other staff that works with the student (speech therapists, counselors, etc.) Once every 3 years students are re-evaluated to see if their current environment is still appropriate given their academic and social emotional progress. As part of their IEP I have to evaluate where they are currently (both academically and social/emotionally) and set goals that determine the progress that must be made throughout the course of the year. IEPs are legal documents. What's written in them MUST happen. Part of kids' IEPs is their promotional criteria. Kids can either be expected to meet standard criteria (the same as regular ed kids, only they get the services provided to them as a result of their IEP), or they can be expected to meet a modified, or lower promotional criteria, meaning they are passed on to the next grade not having met all of the previous grade's standards. I am SO aganist this, feeling like it sets kids up for failure and that it's social promotion. I also feel like it gives teachers an excuse to be lazy. (Point in case the teacher before me.) Exceptions are severely learning disabled students and other students who, because of their diagnosed disability, are not cognitively capable of reaching that grades' standards. THOSE are the students for whom modified criteria is meant. I do not teach any students like that.
Half of my students are emotionally disturbed and are capable of performing on grade level. Some already do, and some, in certain areas, actually perform above grade level. As a result, their promotion criteria is checked as standard.
And today...
However, today we were told that we are not to have any of our students with standard criteria because if they are capable of meeting standard criteria they should be in general education. I brought up the point that many emotionally disturbed kids are academically gifted but need a smaller setting (and in fact are usually in more restrictive settings than mine) and I was told that they should be in general education.
So last year special ed was all about bad behavior, and this year it's all about low academics. Kids continue to be shuffled around like pieces of paper instead of living, breathing beings. They're trying to send Adony to another school because someone somewhere typed a number wrong - boy did I throw a fit about that. You will NOT send my baby to another school because someone does not know how to proofread.
And now, I'm going to send my 5th graders to middle school with IEPs that say they only have to meet 65% of grade level standards to pass? Why are you telling me I have to set them up to fail when it's taken me a year and a half to get them to believe they are as smart as everyone else?
One thing is for sure - they will never see that IEP. I will have one page that I present at the meeting to the parents and the child and one page that goes in the "official" file.
Something is very very wrong with this system and I do not understand how something that is so obvious to a second year teacher is happening in such a seasoned school.
I wish the people that made these decisions would actually spend time in good classrooms.
I must advocate.
I must fight.
But most of all, I must put every single thing I have in to moving these kids as much as I can because I may be the only person that ever cares enough to do so.
Part of me wants to scream and kick and fight and be that person, but then the other part of me sees my kids - screaming and kicking and fighting to just be taught - now - and I just want to shut my door and ignore all of the things I can't control and just....TEACH.

There are Stars in NYC

2007-11-14T17:24:00.000-08:00

We took them to the Planetarium at the Museum of Natural History today. They LOVED it. They clung to me, their eyes wide with excitement, the entire time. Adony, at 13, is toocoolforthat, so he covered his mouth with his hands in that might be praying/might be shy expression he has - but really, he was impressed. He laughed, stomped his feet, yelled, "YO!!" when the room felt like it was spinning. I laughed - knew the tickle he felt in his stomach because I had it, too. They were fascinated. I couldn't stop smiling. These are not the kids I knew a year ago.
I love experiencing moments like that with my kids.
The people at the museum were grumpy.
We go every year so, needless to say, once the planetarium was done, so were the kids, and for kids that are used to eating lunch at 10, our assigned 1:15pm time was much too late....but the 30 minute planetarium show was enough to make the day worth it.
"You are the best teacher ever ever ever!" exclaimed Joshua as he skipped by my side on the way back to the train. (Yep, I take my babies on public transportation, and they are just great!)
"Yo, you always say that on every field trip," said Adony.
"Why do you think I bring him?" I joked. "Teachers have egos, too."
And we laughed. Joshua hugged me as I walked down the street and I couldn't help but wrestle with decisions that have already been made.

Torn

2007-11-11T16:51:00.000-08:00

My kids are not making as much progress as I wanted them to make.
Our first round of running records was this past week and some of them are on track to meet or exceed their goals. Some, however, have not grown since September.
This is normal, I know. But still, there's that little perfectionist voice that eats away at me saying, "What are you doing wrong? Why are they not learning?"
It is this voice that makes me a teacher. That keeps me up at night. That makes me keep 8 kids in at lunch when they don't do their homework. (I don't care that the night before was Halloween.)
We have so much to learn - accomplish - a huge gap to close before the year is over. The sense of urgency sometimes makes me sick to my stomach. And there are days the kids feel it, too. Damien always complains that, "This class is a step up to the 9th grade." He's not used to the work.
"How come, when we meet our goal, we get a new one that's higher?" asked Malik last year? "Why don't we just get a party?"
"You do party." I replied. "When you graduate, I will throw you the biggest party ever." They laughed, and when back to work.
We are motivated. We know where we're going. Yet lately, it seems that the thing that motivates me the most is the mere passing of time. The fact that this week is the Social Studies test and Parent Teacher conferences. Next week is Thanksgiving, then after that, hard core test prep for the ELA, and Christmas just around the corner. I'm forever looking forward, but why? Because we're making progress, or because I'm tired and something inside of me just needs to make it through?

No Babies = Unhappy Ms. G

2007-11-06T17:48:00.001-08:00

We had professional development today.
I won't even go in to how useless the day was.
We spent the day grading the practice ELA tests our kids took last week.
PLEASE HELP ME GROW AS A TEACHER. PLEASE.
Just as I'm thinking about not being at our school anymore next year - precisely because I need to grow and move forward, not get dumped on....I miss my kids....after a day.
I miss their laughter and questions and the fact that their chairs weren't taken down from their desks all day.
It's so odd to be at school without them.
Most teachers love PD day.
I hate it.
Bring on the kids :)

And He Returns

2007-11-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

They're sending Joshua back. As a 4th grader. Promoted in November.
I didn't ask them to.
I should have known it was never really a choice.
He was happier than I have ever seen him.
He bounced. Literally bounced up and down the halls. All day.
I gave him a tight hug and focused on being happy, too.
The worries about differentiating instruction, and numbers, and what's fair and not fair and my intense anger at colleagues who do not do their job will come later.
Every day I become more and more jaded about this system and what it does to kids....but for now, he's mine. He always was. They just took him away for a little while.

Life....

2007-11-04T19:25:00.000-08:00

Closing the windows on my computer and I'm reminded - this is how I spent my Sunday night.
Grad work.
Math data.
A report for an IEP meeting.
A memo to our school psychologist who does not do her job.
An email to my mom that contains only the address - no text. Good intentions, but ran out of time.
And this is life.
My kids.
7 days a week. 24 hours a day. I'm not sure that it will be this way next year at this time so for now, as I prepare to shut down for the night, I'm okay with grad work, math data, IEP reports, memos, and an email that will end up as a phone call on the way home tomorrow.
Enjoy it.
Be in it for the right reasons.
Give everything you have and then leave if leaving is the right thing.
And stay if staying is the right thing.
I am okay with the way I spent my Sunday.

2007-10-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

You tell yourself
That the things you need come slow
But inside you just don't know
Rob Thomas

October is hard. I don't know if it's the weather or the fact that the newness of school has worn off and the tests still seem so far away (and honestly, that's why our kids come to school), but the end of October and the beginning of November are hard. For me. For the kids.
I'm exhausted - mentally, physically, and spiritually.
The kids are restless and so am I.
Keep your fingers crossed and that we get some renewed energy - we need it.

2007-10-29T16:12:00.001-07:00

They want me to take Joshua back. (They never sent him a few weeks ago because he's too low academically...so I only got Elvis back).
His new teacher hates him, tells him he's ruining the class, tells me he's retarded and will never make any progress.
He comes to me everyday at lunch and we read, do math, or simply talk about life. Lately he's been cutting out coloring pages because I took away his scissors (he was cutting up his worksheets into confetti and screaming "Happy New Year!" in the middle of class). I made a deal with him that he could use his scissors during lunch if he was having a good day - problem solved.
I love this child.
His new teacher does not, nor does she want to put any effort in to teaching him, but I do not teach his grade, I'm already teaching 2 curriculums, and diffentiating down to his level would require TONS of effort. It would basically require making a 3rd lesson plan for each subject everyday.
And he's not supposed to be on my roster. He's supposed to be on hers. And somebody needs to make her do her job.
But he's my kid. Even though he's on her roster, he's my kid.
We had a meeting about him today. Me, my principal, and my lit coach, who sees him come in my room for the entire lunch hour everyday.
"I know you're TFA, and I'm not asking you to answer this, please don't answer this, but I know lots of TFA people leave after 2 years to pursue other things, and this is your second year. Please, if this is your last year with us, please let Joshua spend it with you. He needs to spend it with you."
I cried. I tried to hold back the tears, but I cried.
I cried because I'm exhausted. I cried because I want him but it's not the best thing for the rest of my kids...or really, for him either. I cried because the system is failing him....and me....and all of us, and because his new teacher gets paid over $70,000 and is getting away with not doing her job while I am scrambling to keep my head above water because I love these kids.
I do not know if I'm coming back next year.
I do not know if I should take Joshua back.
I know my heart wants him back.
And I know that, most of the time, I teach with my heart. But my heart is pulled in a million different directions and it can only take so much before it breaks.

If I Ran The Zoo...

2007-10-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

Oh wait, I do.
When Dr. Seuss wrote If I Ran the Zoo, I bet he didn't know that my little classroom in the Bronx would one day be home to 100 crickets, 8 anoles, 30 earthworms, 1 grasshopper, a beta fish, 9 children, a wonderful long term substitute para (mine is gone on sick leave until who knows when), and me, the teacher now known around the building as zookeeper.
My kids are SO invested in their new science curriculum that they check on their mini ecosystems (containing crickets, anoles, and earthworms) multiple times daily. Our grasshopper, brought in by a student who thought it was a cricket, is still alive and well nearly a month after it was brought in. We've discovered that it likes not only grass, but grapes and apples, too.
Upon hearing about our pet grasshopper, a parent of one of my students went out and bought us a proper class pet - a bright red beta fish, who completed our little zoo. I'd have never thought that caring for animals would be such a uniting experience for 12 and 13 year old kids who, on the outside, act so tough....
There's only so much the street can take away and to see my kids huddled over a grasshopper they've named and nurtured over a month makes me realize, even if only for a little while, that they are, like their peers across the country....just kids who deserve a chance to make something of themselves.

Return of the 3rd Graders

2007-10-10T15:38:00.000-07:00

Only this time, they're 4th graders.
Yep. They're promoting them, in the middle of October. The 3rd graders (who used to be mine) have been causing chaos in the whole school, not doing their work, not wearing uniform, and pretty much running the other building are getting rewarded a)by coming back to my class and b)by being promoted to the 4th grade.
Oh - and they've managed to waste almost a month of instructional time in the process.
But it's not their fault.
It's my administration's fault, who knows NOTHING about special ed.
Someone came in today and told them they were too old to be in that class, so our special ed AP has decided she'll just promote them. That will fix the problem of them being too old for the class with the teacher who can't control them anyway, and the problem of me having 3 grades in one room.
"They can't multiply, or read on the level of my class," I reminded her. "I've gotten new students since then."
"Yes, but now they're 4th graders," she said.
"Yeah, but they're still at a 2nd grade level," I replied.
"It's the only thing we can do," she said. "Some kids just can't do the work, and we can't hold them there forever. That's why they're in special ed."
"No, they're in special ed so they get extra help and master the basic skills they need to function in society. Until they do, we keep them here. They made a lot of progress last year, but we can't push them through to a grade they're not ready for." I said. I could feel the tension in my neck.
"It's the only thing we can do," she said. "You'll make it work!"
I wanted to scream, "YOU MAKE IT WORK! YOU COME IN AND TEACH THEM! OH, AND BY THE WAY, DO YOU CARE THAT I'M GETTING THE REST OF MY KIDS READY FOR THEIR SOCIAL STUDIES TEST?"
No, she doesn't.
Arg.
I really want to not go to work tomorrow, but unfortunately, that would only punish the 9 people who deserve it the least - my babies.

Bright Spots

2007-10-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

Today we had an amazing discussion about voting and government and political office. It was born out of our social studies test prep and studying a line graph of voting trends. The conversation was slighty off topic, but bordering on brilliant, considering some of my students can't even tell you the name of their country.
We talked about why more people vote during Presidential election years, voter fraud, campaign funding, voter registration, taxes, why it's important to vote....the kids wouldn't stop asking questions, and before I knew it I was merely a member of the discussion, not the be all and end all answer giver. At one point I even sat down on a chair and listened to them discuss, Malik serving as moderator. This is how I love to teach. By lighting a fire beneath the kids and watching what becomes of it.
"We're off topic," reminded Chris.
"I know," I said. "It's okay, I'm so impressed with you guys right now. I wish I had this on tape."
"You do?" asked Malik.
"Yep. I'd put you on one of those political news shows." I replied.
They laughed, and kept on talking. I sat back, crossed my arms, and listened as my kids had a discussion that I thought was so far beyond them.
Prepare to be amazed....I thought. They have some amazing things up their sleeve :)

Disneyland?

2007-10-04T18:55:00.000-07:00

And the magic continues, even during test prep.
Welcome to 5th grade, where thanks to the Social Studies test, which is given in the middle of November, we start test prep during the second week of school. We're in full swing now, and our lowest kids get 4 and a half hours of test prep a day. (2 and a half hours during the school day, and 2 hours after school.) It can be hard to focus, for all of us, but my kids are doing amazing!! We took a pre-test on Monday and my kids scored the highest out of all the other grades. Yeah. Go my kids.
"I'm gonna tell my kids they need to go to special ed," said one of the gen. ed. teachers.
"Please don't do that," I said. "That's all we need to be doing is feeding stereotypes," I said.
She gave me the most evil look imaginable.
I gave her a smile in return. It probably looked sarcastic. I'm not a very good liar.
Whatever. My kids, for once in their lives, are focused and driven, and their scores are already showing it. For those of you that have been with me from the beginning, I think you know how incredible it must feel for them and for me. Finally it comes together.
Lessons flow, and we have so many 'light bulb' moments, where kids 'just get it'.
We haven't had a fight in my classroom yet this year and it's the 5th week of school.
If I'm dreaming, I hope no one pinches me until July :)

Victory is Sweet

2007-10-01T17:26:00.000-07:00

And sounds like the jingle from McDonalds.
So we won.
After weeks of trying but not succeeding, my babies did it. They behaaved consistently enough to win the weekly behavior contest by 4 points!! (91-95) They were pumped! I told them when they won we'd add a new cheer to our cheer wall (they get to do a cheer for someone when they share work that they've done, and they recently made up a 'McDonalds cheer, which is basically just the ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it' song.) They've been DYING to make it a cheer and today when I told them they won they burst out, all at once, in to the McDonald's song. My AP, who just happened to be walking by, looked in to my room, and all I could do was laugh.
"It's a cheer," I said.
"Ok..." she replied.
"Hey! We won!!" shouted Malik, my AP's least favorite student.
"I heard," she replied.
And all we could do....me and my now 8 babies....was smile :)

Exit 3rd Grade

2007-09-30T18:27:00.000-07:00

In the last 2 weeks my 3rd graders were taken out of my room and put in another 12:1:1 room. I knew it was only a matter of time. I told them in June they couldn't put 3 testing grades in 1 room like that, and they finally figured out it wasn't a smart thing to do and they magically created spots for my 3rd graders. It was sad. Joshua cried. I almost did, too. He wrote me letters every day for the first 3 days. Jose has been creating as much chaos as he possibly can, and Elvis has been making himself known as the class bully. They are, after all, 11 year olds in a class with 7 year olds. My babies, now with real babies.
They're too smart for that class. The 12:1:1 where they were placed has kids that read on A and B levels. My 3rd graders read on L, J, and Q levels. Yeah, they're gonna be bored and drive that teacher crazy. Math wise, they blow that class out of the water. If there's one thing about special ed kids, they need to be challenged. Put them in an environment where they feel like their time is being wasted and bad things will happen.
Oh, and did I mention they got sent back to the teacher they had before me? Who hates them?
So all I can do is tell them to work hard so they come back to me as 4th graders. She tells them the same thing. (When she's not telling them how much she liked her class before they came.)
6 of 1 half dozen of the other, I know they had to go, and my class can advance much faster without them, but in my heart they're mine, and it feels weird to know that someone else is teaching them.

Week 5

2007-09-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

Going in to week 5 and I can't find the words to describe to you - we are a class reformed.
My kids wear their uniforms. Everyday.
They do their homework. All of them. All of it. And if they don't, they write me a note that says, 'this is too hard', and they stay in during lunch and I help them finish it.
They're invested in the class points competition (although we still haven't won....they're reformed, but not perfect, and we had a bad week a couple of weeks ago).
But even more so they're invested in their learning. They want to know what objectives they've mastered (they have self tracking sheets for math where they get a sticker each time they demonstrate mastery of an objective on a test or quiz). They want to be tested in reading to see if they've moved up a level.
I sense in them a hunger to do well - to learn - to be something, and while I always knew it was there, last year I felt like I believed in it much more than they did.
But they're different now. A year has changed them. A year has changed me. And the best part is that we experienced it all together, and now we get to come back and take the best of last year and magnify it, leaving the worst behind.
I still think about the ones that left everyday. I worry about them and wonder if they're really in a better environment or if it's just different. My principal says all the time, "Sacrifice 1 for 12," meaning that I can't worry about the 1 we pushed out because of his behavior. But isn't that was special ed is? My 12 were once another teacher's 1.
But still....everyday we succeed because he's now gone.
Hopefully somewhere he's part of another teacher's 12.

Maybe We'll Be A Teacher Movie After All

2007-09-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

Happy Rosh Hashanah to everyone! (Hence why I'm posting when I would usually be teaching Reading...) In NYC we get Jewish holidays off, too, which is part of the reason why we have a 10 month school year. (3 or 4 extra days off = a month more of school)
Things are still going well, and I must admit, all of this political restructuring (which seems to ALWAYS be happening in our school system) is making a big difference in our school this year. An important thing to know here is we share our building with another school (common in NYC). In the past this has been a big problem because our kids fight all the time. They couldn't even go to lunch when the other school was at recess because they would fight. The 'our school is better than yours' attitude is so contagious that when I see yellow uniform shirts on the street (our kids wear white), a little part of me thinks, 'ew, ps (fill in the blank of their school number).' Bad, I know, but true. It's part of our school culture.
That is, until this year, when the regions are gone and the principals have much more power over their schools (and are, supposedly, going to be held accountable for their decisions). All of the sudden they're stressing unity. Our school goes down, basically we're going to bring down the other school too, and their principal won't have it. So over the summer they got together and developed a plan to turn things around. Now we have this behavior system that's building (not just school) wide where the kids get points for every period and the class in each grade level that wins at the end of the week gets a free period. They've provided us with all kinds of board games and money for pizza parties at the end of each month. I keep waiting for a camera crew to jump out and be like, yeah, this is a joke, this isn't your school. I asked for this last year, and they actually did it, and the WHOLE SCHOOL is buying in to it. Our kids actually wear uniforms every day. That NEVER happened last year, even though it's a city wide policy. Kids keep each other in line for POINTS. They care about learning. They do their homework. Don't get me wrong, it's not a hunky dorey suburban school. There was a fight during lunch yesterday between Elvis and Malik. But my AP broke it up, told me to go eat my lunch, and it was put in the system (for suspensions) THAT DAY. They're not playing around this year. I still can't believe it. They're serious about turning things around, and I don't even care what their motives are because it's good for the kids.
It's going to be a different year and maybe we'll be one of those teacher movies after all...with the crazy beginning and the music montage and the happy ending?
Probably not.....but my kids are finally getting what they deserve, and that's an incredible feeling.

New Year

2007-09-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

3 grades
3 TEST PREP grades
Oy
Minus Mario
And Iran
And Kevin
And Amanda
Plus Brianna
And some others that are still in limbo. The roster has been a mess. I had a kid for half a day yesterday. Today I was told I had a new student. Then his old teacher asked if we were an inclusion class. I told her no. His IEP is for inclusion. You can't put in him a self contained room. So no new student. At least not today.
Administratively it's a mess. Thank goodness I deal with that for about 45 minutes a day, and that's if I can't avoid it.
Classroom wise, it's amazing. The shuffling of a few students has made a HUGE difference. Kids came back with a new focus. I came back with a new focus. Yesterday we walked in a line for 30 minutes because they were crazy at recess. Today when I came to pick them up they looked like soldiers :) My babies. They listened. I wanted to pick them up and twirl them around and say THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT!
Instead I said, "Very nice line!" I privately praised those who I knew were responsible for the line for their leadership and let them knew it was what I expected from them.
We were playing a game today and 2 students came back from speech and Yahkemp - yes, Yahkemp - said, "Everybody take 2 steps back so Elvis and Brianna can fit in the circle." Again, a can I pick you up and twirl you around? moment. Too bad he's as big as me. Instead, I gave him a wink that only he saw. He also got a super star note home.
My class dynamics are complicated. 4 5th graders that have a history of being my biggest behavior problems. 4 4th graders that are low academically but don't have many behavior problems except if meds are forgotten. 4 3rd grade - learning disabilities and lots of behavior problems. I'm relying on the 5th grade to be leaders and keep the 3rd grade in line. I'm counting on the 4th grade to encourage the 5th grade to be leaders (so far it's working great). I'm also counting on the 5th grade to be tutors. So far the 5th grade is totally eating up this "I really need your help" attitude, and from experience, they'll continue to.
Keep your fingers crossed for purposefully different dynamics, a calmer school, and for me figuring out how to teach 3 curriculums!

Countdown to Kiddos - 6 Days

2007-08-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
(I've been obsessed with the Bob Schneider version but that's definitely not who wrote it...)

Tomorrow is my last 'free' day, although I would hardly call this summer of moving, grad classes, and meetings 'free'. I've been planning like a madwoman, laminating, copying....getting ready for these kiddos whose not so enduring qualities have all but disappeared from my memory over the last 8 weeks.
I can not WAIT to see my babies. Some of them are coming to help me set up my room I think.... They're great cleaners, their little obsessive compulsive/ADD selves. Plus they know JUST how our room is supposed to look and they take great pride in it.
We're doing lots of new stuff this year. A leadership curriculum, class meetings (which I started doing at the end of the year last year, half heartedly), full blown math centers (I've got to cause I'm teaching 3 grades of curriculum all by my lonesome), and by golly I will figure out how to get Elvis and Adony to read ON GRADE LEVEL if it kills me.
I've got my work cut out for me but I'm SO focused and SO motivated. I made the coolest welcome back video for my kids featuring highlights from last year and inspirational music. Full speed ahead and never looking back. My kids deserve this. Time to go to work - more stories to come :)

It's That Time of the Year

2007-08-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

When school supply sales mean long lines full of teachers and families at Staples. The spending of meager teacher's choice money has already begun...
Thinking about starting over with rules and procedures and pumping kids (and me) up for the year is so overwhelming when all I've done all summer has been grad school. 2 more weeks...
I'll have a 3 day break between the end of classes and the start of school....ugh...
I'm excited to see my kids - excited for the year that lays ahead, for the growth that will happen and the relationships that will be formed, but mostly I'm just excited to be on the other end of learning for a while :)

Papers, Schmapers

2007-07-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

Grad school in the summer = not fun
I've been doing grad school and moving, hence my large absence here. Below is a brief I wrote about a "race issue" in my class. Part of the anecdote was already written here....

I teach 13 students, 8 of whom are diagnosed with emotional/behavioral disorders, all of whom are either Black or Latino. I am White, from the Midwest, and totally out of place in their culture, although somehow they didn’t seem to notice until 2 months before school was over.
In late April, two of my students got in a fight at lunch and as a result of that fight, were given a superintendent's suspension. In order to be given one of these suspensions you must first go to a hearing. The day before Malik was to go to his hearing about the fight, he began worrying about his fate, particularly about unfair judgment on behalf of the judge. Yahkemp, one of my other students, had just returned from a superintendent's suspension and was attempting to comfort Malik in his stress. Below is a dialogue that happened during choice time, a time students have to play math games, read, or draw at the end of the day as a reward for good behavior.
"What if the judge is white?" Malik asked as tears ran down his face.
"What?" I asked.
"White people lie and they never believe me. What if the judge is white?"
”Man, if you just stay calm and tell the truth, they on your side,” comforted Yahkemp.
"I'm white, I don't hate you, I do believe you when you tell the truth, and what you're saying is very racist, Malik," I said.
He looked at me, confused."You're not white," he said.
"I'm not?" I asked? "Then what am I?"
"I don't know. You're Ms. G. You listen to me. You know when I'm lying."
"Now I do, but that's because I know you like you're my own kids. In September I didn't. We've gotten to know each other. You know when I'm having a bad day just by looking at me, right?"
"Yeah," he said. "And when you want to laugh but you're trying not to," he said.
"Exactly," I said. "But the relationship that we have doesn't change the fact that I'm white. If anything it proves the fact that not all white people are out to get you."
"Yeah but see you're not white," chimes Yahkemp. "You're white on the outside but black on the inside."
"What?" I ask."Like, you get sunburned and you can see your veins but you're not like white people," he said. He was completely serious. It was an incredible segway to so many conversations that happened 2 minutes before it was time to go home.
“You’re really white?” asked Christopher, joining our conversation from across the room. “But are you Dominican or Puerto Rican?”
“Neither one,” I said. “I’m German and Swedish.”
“So are you Mexican?” Christopher asked?
He asked the Dominican, Puerto Rican, or Mexican question at least 3 more times, while my other students all listened. The next thing I knew my assistant principal was pounding on my door – we were late for dismissal. We left it at that - them not knowing where I came from because I couldn’t explain it to them in a way they would understand.
The conversation that day made my students curious about my background. They asked numerous questions about my family and my niece (who is biracial and who they had seen before in pictures.) While it did not break down racial barriers in the classroom, it allowed me to see myself, and white people in general, through my student’s eyes. White people, to them, have money, go to private schools, and are against who they are. Since I was their advocate, teacher, and shopped at C-Town, I could not be white.
We had two more months before the end of the year and I meant to bring in pictures of my ancestors, maps of where they immigrated from, and stories of what life was like for them as a child, but then I realized I didn’t really know. I know I’m German and Swedish. Other than that I don’t know much about my culture. It was not something I celebrated or studied as a child, and I would say my culture is much more midwest/Kansas than German or Swedish. I grew up giving the farmer wave to people on the dirt road that takes you to my house. I never back talked in school and you most certainly never had a discussion with race with someone that had a different skin color than you. On pg. 31 Jones encourages teachers to ask the question, “How do I want their lives to have been impacted by the time they spent with me?” I want my students to look at white people and not assume that they have money, go to private schools, or are against them. I want them to see my skin color and not be afraid of it. The conversation that I had with my students that day was uncomfortable for me. It was against how I was brought up, but in order for both my students and I to learn from and about each other these conversations must happen, and they must be open and honest. As their teacher I must face my fears, open myself up, and learn alongside my students.

Adopted

2007-07-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

Adopt a Classroom - the coolest website ever! Today we were adopted by one of my college professors. My kids are going to be so excited! Now I can get computer software that they've been begging for. (Teacher's choice money covers things like paper, pencils, sharpeners, glue, scissors...things kids are supposed to supply themselves but don't/can't.)
What a great way to start off the year - I'm so pumped for school to start!
Want to help? Leave a comment and I'll send you our link - I don't want to link our page here because then it would tell you my school, and that's a little too public for my comfort. But any little bit helps!

Life Without Babies

2007-07-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

It took 4 days to miss them.
After 6 I was ready to go back.
I'm not sure my life is ready for me to go back and my spirit definitely needs the break, but I miss them. My laughter is different without them.
The 2 weeks since school has been over have been spent at home, first in Minneapolis and then in Kansas, with friends and family. Being a person with a first name, driving a car, eating lots of food that is bad for me and taking 4 hour long naps. I returned to a hot city with sidewalks that burn my feet and not nearly enough green grass or fresh air. As we hunted for an apartment yesterday sweat ran down every inch of our body. We want to eventually move back to Minneapolis. To cooler weather and green grass and cleaner air...a place that is closer to our families and a lifestyle that is more ours.
And Target. Oh how I heart Target. That you can drive to. That's not in the Bronx.
Nevertheless, yesterday we walked....and sweated....and walked some more to find a new place to live because for now I need to be here for 13 reasons. On September 4th every single one of them will be in one classroom...my classroom...again.

False Endings

2007-06-24T17:25:00.001-07:00

I still have 3 days with them.
We're making memory books (I spent $70 getting pictures printed) and finishing their portfolios and cleaning the room. Some of them have essays to finish, we have presentations to give....the days will be busy, and the kids are excited about everything we're doing.
So why, now that grading, report cards, and all of my IEPs are done, does it feel over? Why do I get a huge lump in my throat when I think about not seeing them every day, even though I know how much I need the break, both personally and professionally? They've accomplished so much, we've all learned so much, and it's time for the year to be over, but there's a little part of me,the part of me that felt like it would never end, that is not ready.
Today on the train I was worrying about who would watch them during the day.
Then I remembered - they have parents. The amount of responsibility that we take for them during the year is so substancial that to have it all taken away at 3:40 on Wednesday will feel a little...a lot...there's no word to describe it. My whole life here, for the last year, has been them, and now I'm given 2 months to reclaim it, for me, and it's daunting.

2007-06-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

While teachers across the country are on vacation, we are still in school. I'm not sure why...I have many theories, and when I am free of the confines of TFA I will probably voice them here, but until then I will just say that we are still in school.
My para got another job, which means I have a different substitute everyday. They always show up 20 minutes late. Sometimes they speak english. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they stay awake for the whole day. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they do what I ask them to do. Most of the time they don't.
"Man, I wish it was just us," Kevin said today. "We don't need anybody. It can just be us. We like a little family."
The sub came in and everybody groaned. I felt bad for her. On the inside I kind of groaned too.
I've tried including their names in word problems and giving them time to introduce themselves to the kids. The fact is the kids are tired of different people everyday. They don't even let the sub help them any more. They'll wait 10 minutes for me to help them while the sub just stands and watches. We're all tired...me....the kids, and we long for the routine that worked for us all year. Being forced out of it day after day is uncomfortable and instead of adapting we all rebel, me and my 13 babies.
5 more days...5 more days...5 more days...

Staying

2007-06-07T16:36:00.000-07:00

I decided to stay. Slowly, over the last 2 months...for 13 reasons. Joshua, Adony, Adrielis, Amanda, Mario, Elvis, Julius, Christopher, Jose, Iran, Malik, Kevin, and Yahkemp. In spite of the fights, and the weapons, and the times I've been hit.
Things have changed. Not drastically, but things have changed, and I'm learning the things I need to learn to be able to produce more change.
In the last 2 weeks I've spent 20 hours planning for next year with the 2 other teachers who are on the 5th grade team. I'll be looping with my kids so I'll be teaching 4th/5th grade students, mostly 5th grade curriculum.
It feels good to be going in to September with so much under my belt curriculum wise and knowing my kids. There's a big part of me that can't believe I'll be at this school for another year. There's an even bigger part of me that is so relieved that I will not be leaving my students for good in 17 days.
It's not time to go yet. They've made huge gains but we're not done. They're not the people they need to be for me to leave them. I want to see them graduate (5th grade, mind you, but it's a milestone to all of us none the less).
I want to leave and be ready to leave and be able to tell them.
I wasn't able to tell them.
Year 2 is 4 months away...

TFA End of Year Reflective Guide

2007-06-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

Qualitative Analysis: What are you particularly proud of in terms of your students' achievements this past year that are not captured in the quantitative data?

I am proud of the way my students learned to work together in a classroom. The culture in my room has done a complete 180 since September. From the way my students participate in games and behave during lessons to the way they treat visitors, my students are different people. Just the other day we had a visitor in my classroom and after my students left the visitor complemented me on their handshakes. I hadn’t even realized that they had all greeted her with a handshake. For the most part, they’ve learned to live and work together. They’ve learned how to laugh and let go of anger. They’ve learned how to trust. They’ve learned that there’s more to life than what they see outside of their window and they’re working together to get it. They’re growing up to be amazingly inspiring people. It doesn’t fit on a spreadsheet, but I’m so proud of that.

Minus 1 Makes 13

2007-06-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

Loucchie was sent back to his old school.
"He needs to be sent to a home for bad kids," said his mother.
"He needs to be taught how to read," I said (to my Assistant Principal).
I'm scared for him, for his future, and for society in 10 years when he is angry at all the wrongs that have been done to him.
But he was only unofficial.
And I still have all the officials to worry about.
But still...I worry....about the one who left....and now instead of avoiding his building as I walk to the bus I look for the kid with the attitude and the beat up knuckles who saved his ice pops to show his grandma and who doesn't know all the letters of the alphabet and I walk slowly past his window, hoping he'll see me and shout my name, but there's only the sound of the ice cream truck and kids playing in the street and busses honking and the silence of one more kid....forgotten.

Still Unofficially Mine

2007-05-29T15:49:00.001-07:00

Even though today was an off day.
Even though he was repeatedly disrespectful to my para, who none of my kids dare disrespect.
Even though he fought with kids, even my kids, during recess.
Even though he broke stuff in my APs office (where he was sent when he fought during recess.)
Even though he refused to work, or do anything, when I left for my prep, and in fact chased me down the hall and stared at me through the window, demanding with his eyes that I return to the room.
It broke my heart to see the old Loucchie and know that our relationship was not yet deep enough for me to pull him out of what ever monster had a hold of him. "DON'T TOUCH ME, DON'T TOUCH ME!" he screamed. The rest of my kids would have wept in my arms. But this is not June for us. It's September. And in September they would not have wept. You can't buy time...time is what we need.
Tomorrow we have a field trip. He cannot go, because he, at the end of the day, is here on a suspension.
I pray that he stays home....just tomorrow...and that on Thursday we build again.

And Loucchie Makes 14

2007-05-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

He threatened to punch my face in once. Told me to watch out because the next time he saw me on "the block" I was "going to get it." I see him almost every night when I walk to the bus.
I can't count the number of times he's ran in to my classroom and cursed me out, then stood outside my locked door and screamed "F*** YOU!!!" at the top of his lungs.
2 weeks ago he called me a "stupid white bitch" and kicked another teacher as we walked to the main building.
I've written up every incident and requested time and time again that he not be allowed in my classroom or near my students.
He doesn't even belong in our school. He's on a superintendent's suspension from another school. None of that mattered on Wednesday when the suspension teacher was gone and they needed a babysitter. An aide attempted to bring him in to my room.
"He can't be in here," I said. "He's threatened me numerous times, I've written it up and requested that he not be put in here."
"They told me to have (my para) watch him."
"Well she's not here right now and he can't be in here," I said.
They left, and as soon as my para came back so did the aide, with the student.
He was ours for the day. I gritted my teeth and tried to hold back my anger. My students sat silently. I had just been defied and they all knew it.
"One word from you and you are out of here, do you understand me?" I asked him.
"Yes," he said.
And he worked. And worked. And worked. Silently. All day.
And I realized what I should have realized all along. He acts the way he does because he cannot read or write or add.
He stayed that day, an hour later than he was supposed to. He did work while my class played games and at the end of the day he asked if he could come back tomorrow. I told him we would see.
The next day he came back.
He worked....and worked....and worked.
I let him play a game with us. He tried. He couldn't. He couldn't read the words for sight word bingo. I don't show my kids the cards. He couldn't multiply for around the world. My kids have come so far. He's only beginning. His spirit couldn't be broken. He asked to come back tomorrow. I said okay.
He came back with pencils and notebooks and paper and asked to be in my class. I told him we would see. He asked for a clothespin (on our negative consequence chart) and for his name to be added to our reward system. He wanted to know what table to sit at for table points. He wants to belong. He already does.
I tested him for reading. He doesn't know all of the letters of the alphabet.
The kids have adopted him like one of our own.
I can't stop thinking of ways to help him.
People keep peeking in my room, in disbelief that I have Loucchie sitting down and working.
Actually, Loucchie has Loucchie sitting down and working.
If only it wasn't June already.
He's unofficially mine, I think. Not on my roster, but mine. Out of all the lessons I've learned this year, the power of forgiveness and second chances may just be the most powerful.

2007-05-22T17:43:00.000-07:00

3 of my students are getting superintendents suspensions that start tomorrow. Malik was upset about his, worried about going to suspension "court" and having to defend his actions in front of a judge who would decide how long his suspension would be.
Tears ran down his face and he pounded his fists into his desk and through clenched teeth he asked, "What if the judge is white?"
"What?" I asked?
"White people lie and they never believe me. What if the judge is white?"
Yahkemp, who has returned from his superintendent's suspension believing I am the best teacher in the world, was giving him advice like stay calm and tell the truth, but Malik kept saying, "The judge is going to be white, white people hate me, they never believe me."
"I'm white, I don't hate you, I do believe you when you tell the truth, and what you're saying is very racist, Malik," I said.
He looked at me, confused.
"You're not white," he said.
"I'm not?" I asked? "Then what am I?"
"I don't know. You're Ms. Gronquist. You listen to me. You know when I'm lying."
"Now I do, but that's because I know you like you're my own kids. In September I didn't. We've gotten to know each other. You know when I'm having a bad day just by looking at me, right?"
"Yeah," he said. "And when you want to laugh but you're trying not to," he said.
"Exactly," I said. "But the relationship that we have doesn't change the fact that I'm white. If anything it proves the fact that not all white people are out to get you."
"Yeah but see you're not white," chimes Yahkemp. "You're white on the outside but black on the inside."
"What?" I ask.
"Like, you get sunburned and you can see your veins but you're not like white people," he said.
He was completely serious.
It was an incredible segway to so many conversations that happened 2 minutes before it was time to go home and now they will be gone for at least 7 days.
It will come back up. It needs to. They need to learn to live in other parts of the world.

This Week...

2007-05-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

Mario got arrested for assaulting a student who attends the other school that shares our building. In the process he also incited a riot and hit the other school's principal.
Adony and Malik jumped Jose at lunch. The ambulance was called. There was blood in his urine. It's not just play anymore.
I wasn't there for either incident. Lunch. Before school. After school. They wouldn't do it in front of me.
It doesn't take away the responsibility I feel because they are my kids.

We're doing running records again - this time they're making HUGE gains. Last time they didn't and I lectured them for 45 minutes. I guess it worked...
It's such a mix of intensely positive and negative that at the end of every day I am exhausted.
It only grows more exhausting as my relationship with each one of them grows but the relationship is what they need so I give...and give....and give....and when they leave at 2:50 on Friday I put on my sneakers, shuffle home, collapse on my white fluffy comforter and breathe....breathe....breathe....and think about them.

2007-05-11T14:12:00.001-07:00

113 + 70.
Today Joshua completed this problem correctly, by himself, on the board.
We all clapped. We gave him 2 cheers instead of the usual one. I got out my cell phone and took a picture of him next to the problem. What I really wanted to do was cry but I couldn’t because they wouldn’t understand why I was crying.
The para in my room (my usual para has been on jury duty for a week) didn’t understand the big reaction.
“I used to sleep on the rug,” Joshua explained.
(And when he wasn’t sleeping I was begging him to sleep so I could teach, I thought to myself.)
“And when he stopped sleeping he couldn’t add 3 + 5,” I added.
“Not even with cubes,” he chimed in.
He was beaming.
So was I.
He’s come so far.
I’m not even sure how. I can pick out little mile stones, like the day I put a frog number line on his desk and he took it upon himself to keep it spotless, even though the inside of his desk is a disaster area, or the day we were playing a math game and he shouted, “6 times 6 is 36!” and I said, “How do you know that?” and he replied with a simple, “I was just thinking what you said about tallies and I got it.”
Somewhere it started clicking for him. He can add and subtract with regrouping and is beginning to multiply….and he used to use my fingers to add…progress requires reflection.

5.1.07

2007-05-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

No internet this week - this is from May 1st.

If I don’t say this now I will surely break
As I’m leaving the one I wanna take
Forget the end and see the hurry up and wait
My heart is starting to separate
The Fray

My meeting on Friday, which turned in to more than one meeting, didn’t go at all as I thought it would. In spite of all that has happened, I thought that we could go in, have a discussion, and come up with a solution to the situation. I envisioned coming up with a way to stay at my school, educate my kids in a safe environment, and keep nurturing the relationships I’ve spent the last year building. When it comes down to it, I want to stay. I want to fix things, but I can’t do it by myself.
It didn’t happen. 2 hours later I realized I am young and naïve and have a lot to learn about how education systems work. They can’t split my class by grade levels. We don’t have the physical space and the region wouldn’t do it even if we did. I also realized that nobody in the room (except for my Program Director) had the passion that I did for my kids. It’s easy to say you care about the kids. It’s hard to live like you do.
This makes it even harder to leave. I went back to my room and cried to another teacher for the entire lunch hour, then spent the next 2 hours teaching kids who will feel abandoned in September if they walk in and I’m not their teacher. It doesn’t matter that everybody else leaves them. I’m not everybody else.
But then today was Yahkemp’s first day back from suspension. In 20 minutes I was hit by a book that was thrown at another student (he missed and hit me, bad aim?), cursed at, and he pretended to jerk off in front of me. “Can I go back to suspension now, please? My seat is still open there.” he informed me.
“No,” I replied. “You need to be here. You’re part of our class.”
He spent the rest of the day threatening students, yelling at me, and rapping at his desk.
I’ll fill out the reports, and if anything happens it will be weeks from now.
Already the room is different.
Already other kids are fighting.
Already other kids are angry.
Already I’m reminded of why something needs to change.
Already I remember why it’s not abandoning them. It’s demanding that something be done to ensure their safety, and mine.
So why does it feel like it’s the wrong thing to do?

*Update: Yahkemp got a 5 day superintendent's suspension and a 5 day principal's suspension, which means he's suspended at another school for 5 days and at our school for 5 days.
Finally something is happening. 4 of my other kids are suspended in school next week, and 5 are suspended in school the week after that. Not that suspensions are the answer, but consequences are, and they need them. Better late than never, and late is at least a place to start.
The world will not know or care if they had an IEP. It's time they be held accountable for their actions, and it's time that we bring the focus back to learning.

The Three Musketeers

2007-04-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

The three that are the biggest bullies, for whom there are little or no consequences, who sing and dance and fight and refuse to do what anyone tells them - they were magically suspended this week - the week that I have my meeting with my principal about transferring.
Funny how things work, and funny how quickly I forget about the chaos. The fights, the bruises, the fear my kids felt just a week ago seems gone with them down the hall. All of the sudden I'm able to make it through all of my lessons again. I have students who participate, laugh, listen. They are not perfect, but things work again. Table points, pats on the back, the teacher look. Everything that used to work....works.
They're not angry when they walk in the door.
My head doesn't pound when I leave.
I haven't thrown up all week.
I like my job again.
I've learned to forgive them again.
If only I could learn to forgive the three down the hall...and stick to my guns (bad choice of words) when I go in to that meeting tomorrow.
They gave me a good week on purpose.
They implemented consequences this week, after not doing it all year, for a reason, and it's not because they had some big epiphany about the need to be consistent.
Be strong....be strong....be strong.
This is your life, too.
It's hard to remember that sometimes.

2007-04-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

I've been getting nosebleeds and throwing up randomly for 7 days now.
I get headaches and my heart beats fast and I dread going to school.
For the first time in 8 months it's hard to shake my kids' hands in the morning and forgive their actions the day before, knowing the effect that it's having on my physical and mental health.
But with 8 weeks left, I would not trade this experience, or any of them, for anything.
I have seen the system at it's worst, and I have done my best to fix it.
I have had kids work extremely hard for me, and because of it have numerous students leaving reading and doing math on grade level.
I have grown both professionally and personally more than I ever thought possible in 8 months.
I have remained calm in times of intense chaos.
I've showed up, day after day, to shake their hands, smile, and greet them with a cheerful "Good morning!" when others would not.
But still....it hasn't been enough....and it continues to fall apart in front of my eyes.
They curse and fight and yell and throw things and refuse to work or listen or even take home their homework, let alone turn it in.
They're more concerned with gangs and who's jumping who after school and who's looking at them funny across the room than anything school related.
Somehow, in March, it fell apart, and it's slowly turning in to something that feels like failure staring me in the face every single day.

And So It Spirals

2007-04-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what happened today, but I know it involved rocks, windows, the suspension room (where they were supposed to be during my lunch break), and their names being announced over the loud speaker.
They were out of my room for the next hour with my para, my AP, security, and the parent coordinator. Parents were called, voices were raised, many tears were shed. It's what should happen in situations where kids are out of line. Get what happened next.
My para left. The kids started to get out of control. (Still in the hallway, mind you.) The rest of the parents didn't show up. So they bring them in my room. Never mind the fact that I'm teaching. Never mind that kids are engaged. Never mind that I have no clue what is going on with the angry, out of control kids you're bringing in to my calm room. Never mind that you have no respect for me as a professional or a person. "Sit down at your seat and do your work." they said.
"THEY CAN'T DO THE WORK BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T HERE FOR THE LESSON" I wanted to scream! I gave my AP a do not even bring them in here and leave them like that look and she got the message - she stayed. Malik flipped out on the rug while Yahkemp flipped out at the table, mostly at my AP. Her presence instigated anger but I needed a witness. They would go off on anybody for anything. If she was leaving she needed to take them, and she wouldn't do that, so she needed to stay.
My AP and Malik went back and forth across the room. Don't engage, don't engage, it's not worth it, you've been having such good days I said, almost as a mantra as I rubbed Malik's back. He circled the rug like a lion in a cage. I circled with him, ready to stop him from running. He didn't. Instead he cried. Tears of anger...frustration...tears from being caged by emotions and so much that he can't control.
I don't know how to leave but I can't stay.
Stories from earlier in the week include fights and objects being thrown and students threatening suicide - they can't take the fear and constant threats and bullying...a student stormed another teacher's classroom and demanding that she not press charges for a PSP he stole proclaiming "I'm from the streets, you don't know who you're messin' with."
We called the social worker - she removed the student and brought him back to my room.
I'm so attached to them.
I don't know how to leave and it's not healthy.

2007-04-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

Last week we had a week off of after school, which meant I was done teaching at 3:40 everyday. I could plan, or go home, or schedule meetings. It was amazing to feel so free.
Afterschool starts again this week, which means I teach until 5:00 again. I didn't realize what a big difference it made in my spirit until I had the week off.
2 and a half more months. Stay focused. It's the only way the kids will stay focused. We are not done. We can't be done. Our goals are not met.
So why does June feel so close that it's all any of us (first year teachers) talk about?

My PD

2007-04-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know how much she gets paid, but it's not enough.
On the day my para quit and my kids went nuts, she was at my school. She came by during lunch, just out of coincidence, and sat with me for an hour while I cried, and told me, over and over again, why I was needed in that school. I didn't believe her then. I do now.
She was the first person I called when Elvis grew over a year and a half in reading.
She was the first person I emailed when my class actually mastered a math objective on our tracking sheet.
And she's the person I go to with stories of fights and security that doesn't come and a principal that has no control over his school.
She listens and brainstorms and fights...for my kids...and for me.
She meets with my principal and stands up to him in ways I couldn't. She has an organization behind her. An organization that is willing to send me to another school if things do not change at mine.
I am not on my own. I was not sent in there to drown, and I will not be forced to stay in an environment that is not safe.
She listened and in 45 minutes she made all of the chaos feel manageable.
And then she drove me home.
I would have quit that day in October had it not been for her, and now she's saving me again.
Whatever she gets paid...it's not enough to be a hero to 51 people.