See You Later :)

I've given in to the fact that I'm no longer a good blogger. And I'm okay with that.
Because I converse.
I used to work at a school where I had only very surface conversations - any 'real' conversations I had were about my personal life, and these were very rare.
Now I work in a school with true colleagues - people I have a deep respect and appreciation for. In these colleagues I have found a handful of 'thought partners' - people with whom I discuss lessons, data, theories of education, students, good days, bad days, and in the midst of it all....life.
And somehow, the desperate need for so much help from a blogging community is gone.
Well, maybe not gone - but there's no longer time.
Face to face conversations take time - relationship building takes time - and right now that's more important than chronicling this experience here for myself (which is what this was intended to be).
So this will remain, for now, stagnant. I don't want to feel the guilt of not blogging anymore, but I want to have the opportunity to do so if I feel the need to share again.
And with this....a weight has been lifted...

Vacation!

5 days to sleep past 5 am, to work out and not worry about the clock, eat when I want to and go to the bathroom more than 3 times during the day.
To catch up on wedding planning...lesson planning...and TiVo.
This will be good :)

Sugar Cane - Missy Higgins
Baby ballerina's hiding somewhere in the corner, where the shadow wraps around her
and our torches cannot find her, she will stay there 'til the morning,
crawl behind us as we are yawning, and she will leave our games to never be the same.
So grow tall sugar cane.
Eat the soil, drink that rain.
But know they'll chase you if you play their little games.
So run, run fast sugar cane.

It's her song. My student who reads on a 1st grade level and writes on a kindergarten level. She's in 3rd grade, supposed to be in 4th. Not shocking, really - if you consider that I teach special ed in NYC. (Although the fact that that's the standard is so incredibly sad.)
But the fact is that we are a great school. We work hard. Her parents are involved. We have professional development that most teachers only dream of. Our management is super tight.
And yet...when she speaks it sounds like 4 sentences smashed into one - her writing is much of the same.
She shakes her head when you ask her a question, almost as if she's a slot machine and someday she'll hit the jackpot, spitting out a perfect, insightful answer that will get her the praise she so desparately seeks.
She works harder than most students I know. 1 of 10 children, she's a caregiver, nurturer, and leader.
But will she go to college? Will she graduate college? Today her dad, in a look of defeat I seldom see, told me he knew what it was going to be like for her. She would get held back and get held back until she eventually just quit.
Somewhere, in the midst of the college pennants and cheers and an extended school day and intervention groups, this little girl is drowning and I don't know how.

Only 3 weeks ago we returned from break.
Rejuvinated...rested...inspired by the time we had to be a person.
I made a promise to myself to be more balanced. To work out more. To leave work at least 3 days a week at or before 5:00 (this is HUGE for my school, considering I used to always stay until at least 6). To spend more time with my friends...boyfriend....and dogs.
And to sleep more.
I'm doing all of these things, but I'm still exhausted.
I see it in my colleagues, too.
How do you give kids what they need - purposeful lessons, tight classroom management, an extended school day, and lots of academic intervention for students who fall beind....and still make sure teachers get what they need?
I love my school. I love the people I work with. But I would love to wake up in the morning and not feel so exhausted.
Maybe I should become a regular coffee drinker.

I watched the inauguration with 100 students, most of whom will be the first in their family to go to college.
They clapped each time the audience clapped and after the swearing in, most of the teachers in the room were teary-eyed. Several of the students comforted us, which totally speaks to the culture of our school.
It was incredibly powerful to watch such an important moment in history with kids who I know are going to have amazing opportunities in life because of the work our school does with them.
We work hard, and there are times that I'm incredibly tired. But we support each other.
I'm so proud to be a part of my school....and sad only that I couldn't bring my old kids with me.

Going Offline

In a letter released by my charter school's superintendents, they encouraged us to "go offline" - or they said that this is a time of year that the organization "goes offline" - something to that effect. But basically it gave me permission to not bring home my laptop....or check my email....or think about school or kids or TFA or my corps members for the next 9 days.
To take a much needed mental vacation.
This organization - who gave me a laptop which has subsequently been attached to me for the last 4 months, is encouraging me to take a break, and I plan to do it.

To take time to be a a friend, fiance, aunt, daughter, grandaughter, Kansan. I'm so excited. I'm going to eat...and sleep....and eat....and sleep.
And come back rejuvinated and ready to focus more on how to balance my job with the rest of my life - something I failed at miserably in the last few months.

I Used to be a Blogger

But now I'm a crazyteacher - one that works 70+ hours a week AND leads first year teachers in a professional development group to make sure that their kids have a rockin' school year.
And a wedding planner/dog owner/yogi/person in constant search of work life balance.
And did I mention sleep deprived?
I think my most uttered phrase is, "I'm exhausted."
Either that or "Yes or no", because when you ask my kids a question, most of them just stare at you unless you give them an option for a response.
But I hold firm in what I've said all semester - my school does a great job of educating kids, and of making me a better teacher, and building true partnerships between school staff and parents. I work at a great school - I feel like my voice matters.

And there is 14 days until Christmas, including weekends (which really just mean working somewhere else than my school building).
We got a tree this weekend. And red and green candles. And lots of other Christmas/winter decorations.
I don't know if I'm celebrating the religious holiday, going home, or the fact that for 2 weeks my alarm will not go off at 5 am.