Confessions...

I LOVE my new job. I love my colleagues, the kids I work with, the parents - I work in a strong school with a good community of people around me and FINALLY feel like what I do everyday actually closes the achievement gap.
But I still think about them - my old kids - all of the time. When I say all of the time, I mean at LEAST daily. I regret that I wasn't there to make them cakes on their birthdays, mediate their fights, prepare them for the state test, and see them walk across the stage at their 5th grade graduation. I still get random texts from them asking if I'll come back, or if I could teach at their middle school. It pains me so much every time I type the word 'no'. I vow to stay in touch, but we both know that this isn't enough. They need someone everyday to believe in them - to push them.
I left because I knew there would always be more kids - another reason to stay in a school where I wasn't supported professionally or personally.
So why, after so long, do I still feel like I should have stayed?
Like the kids at my new school would be okay without me, but there are 13 kids in the Bronx who are not okay because I left...
This is the only decision I've ever wrestled with for so long.
Does that mean I made the wrong choice?

See You Later :)

I've given in to the fact that I'm no longer a good blogger. And I'm okay with that.
Because I converse.
I used to work at a school where I had only very surface conversations - any 'real' conversations I had were about my personal life, and these were very rare.
Now I work in a school with true colleagues - people I have a deep respect and appreciation for. In these colleagues I have found a handful of 'thought partners' - people with whom I discuss lessons, data, theories of education, students, good days, bad days, and in the midst of it all....life.
And somehow, the desperate need for so much help from a blogging community is gone.
Well, maybe not gone - but there's no longer time.
Face to face conversations take time - relationship building takes time - and right now that's more important than chronicling this experience here for myself (which is what this was intended to be).
So this will remain, for now, stagnant. I don't want to feel the guilt of not blogging anymore, but I want to have the opportunity to do so if I feel the need to share again.
And with this....a weight has been lifted...

Vacation!

5 days to sleep past 5 am, to work out and not worry about the clock, eat when I want to and go to the bathroom more than 3 times during the day.
To catch up on wedding planning...lesson planning...and TiVo.
This will be good :)

Sugar Cane - Missy Higgins
Baby ballerina's hiding somewhere in the corner, where the shadow wraps around her
and our torches cannot find her, she will stay there 'til the morning,
crawl behind us as we are yawning, and she will leave our games to never be the same.
So grow tall sugar cane.
Eat the soil, drink that rain.
But know they'll chase you if you play their little games.
So run, run fast sugar cane.

It's her song. My student who reads on a 1st grade level and writes on a kindergarten level. She's in 3rd grade, supposed to be in 4th. Not shocking, really - if you consider that I teach special ed in NYC. (Although the fact that that's the standard is so incredibly sad.)
But the fact is that we are a great school. We work hard. Her parents are involved. We have professional development that most teachers only dream of. Our management is super tight.
And yet...when she speaks it sounds like 4 sentences smashed into one - her writing is much of the same.
She shakes her head when you ask her a question, almost as if she's a slot machine and someday she'll hit the jackpot, spitting out a perfect, insightful answer that will get her the praise she so desparately seeks.
She works harder than most students I know. 1 of 10 children, she's a caregiver, nurturer, and leader.
But will she go to college? Will she graduate college? Today her dad, in a look of defeat I seldom see, told me he knew what it was going to be like for her. She would get held back and get held back until she eventually just quit.
Somewhere, in the midst of the college pennants and cheers and an extended school day and intervention groups, this little girl is drowning and I don't know how.

Only 3 weeks ago we returned from break.
Rejuvinated...rested...inspired by the time we had to be a person.
I made a promise to myself to be more balanced. To work out more. To leave work at least 3 days a week at or before 5:00 (this is HUGE for my school, considering I used to always stay until at least 6). To spend more time with my friends...boyfriend....and dogs.
And to sleep more.
I'm doing all of these things, but I'm still exhausted.
I see it in my colleagues, too.
How do you give kids what they need - purposeful lessons, tight classroom management, an extended school day, and lots of academic intervention for students who fall beind....and still make sure teachers get what they need?
I love my school. I love the people I work with. But I would love to wake up in the morning and not feel so exhausted.
Maybe I should become a regular coffee drinker.

I watched the inauguration with 100 students, most of whom will be the first in their family to go to college.
They clapped each time the audience clapped and after the swearing in, most of the teachers in the room were teary-eyed. Several of the students comforted us, which totally speaks to the culture of our school.
It was incredibly powerful to watch such an important moment in history with kids who I know are going to have amazing opportunities in life because of the work our school does with them.
We work hard, and there are times that I'm incredibly tired. But we support each other.
I'm so proud to be a part of my school....and sad only that I couldn't bring my old kids with me.

Going Offline

In a letter released by my charter school's superintendents, they encouraged us to "go offline" - or they said that this is a time of year that the organization "goes offline" - something to that effect. But basically it gave me permission to not bring home my laptop....or check my email....or think about school or kids or TFA or my corps members for the next 9 days.
To take a much needed mental vacation.
This organization - who gave me a laptop which has subsequently been attached to me for the last 4 months, is encouraging me to take a break, and I plan to do it.

To take time to be a a friend, fiance, aunt, daughter, grandaughter, Kansan. I'm so excited. I'm going to eat...and sleep....and eat....and sleep.
And come back rejuvinated and ready to focus more on how to balance my job with the rest of my life - something I failed at miserably in the last few months.

I Used to be a Blogger

But now I'm a crazyteacher - one that works 70+ hours a week AND leads first year teachers in a professional development group to make sure that their kids have a rockin' school year.
And a wedding planner/dog owner/yogi/person in constant search of work life balance.
And did I mention sleep deprived?
I think my most uttered phrase is, "I'm exhausted."
Either that or "Yes or no", because when you ask my kids a question, most of them just stare at you unless you give them an option for a response.
But I hold firm in what I've said all semester - my school does a great job of educating kids, and of making me a better teacher, and building true partnerships between school staff and parents. I work at a great school - I feel like my voice matters.

And there is 14 days until Christmas, including weekends (which really just mean working somewhere else than my school building).
We got a tree this weekend. And red and green candles. And lots of other Christmas/winter decorations.
I don't know if I'm celebrating the religious holiday, going home, or the fact that for 2 weeks my alarm will not go off at 5 am.

I spent last night and all day today at a FABULOUS workshop on Autism.
I learned SO much and am officially on overload...
After the workshop I went to the Bank Street Bookstore and somehow walked out with $100 worth of posters, books, flash cards, and phonics games. How does that happen?
I spend money on my classroom now in such a different way than I did when I worked for the DOE. When I worked for the DOE, I bought paper, pencils, paid for copies, and sometimes bought things like center books. Now, all basic supplies are provided, and so are basically all teaching resources we want. The only thing is that if the school buys them they belong to the school, and some of these things I want to keep (because I don't plan on staying here forever), and so I buy things that develop me professionally and that make my classroom more inviting...more like the classrooms I remember as a child).
Last year, I would have never DREAMED of buying posters, or a game to help kids learn blends and diagraphs.
Yet these are the kinds of things I remember about elementary school, and the kinds of things you find when you walk in to suburban and private schools. Neat classrooms - lots of Lakeshore things.
Money doesn't equal great classrooms, but I like knowing that when my students look back on their elementary school career, they will not remember going to a school with bars on the windows - they'll remember a classroom with bright posters and fun games :)

Day Off?

Notsomuch. My morning was filled with meetings, and my afternoon with planning. We had a planning party (aka 3 teachers from my school got together, ate lots of snacks, and planned like crazy people for 6 hours).
Even though the days was not the sleep in, watch talk shows in pajamas on the couch day off as I had when I worked in the DOE, I feel relaxed and rejuvenated.
A conversation that happens often with staff at my school is whether or not this is sustainable. If not, how can we fix it so that it is, and is fixing it beneficial to kids? There are people that argue that teachers should give as much as they can at a school like mine (long hours, often 70+ hour weeks) and then when they're burnt out, move on to something else. These people feel that it isn't the school's job to ensure sustainability, but rather the achievement of the kids. There are others that argue that staff retention greatly contributes to a schools' culture and the achievement of it's students, and that teacher retention should be a focus of charter schools and other educational institutions with extended hours/weekend work requirements. (My school does not require teachers to teach on weekends, but many charter schools have mandatory Saturday academies).
I'm not sure where I stand on this argument, but I know that I don't feel like I could work at this job and have children of my own. I also don't feel like someone could work 40 hours a week and service my children the way they deserve. Maybe there's no answer...maybe it's different for every school or organization?
I'd love to hear people's thoughts!

Data Day

Our kids took school made standardized tests in both reading and math last week and we spent all of today (7:15 - 6) analyzing the data in grades and as a school. We made data driven plans, formed intervention groups, and talked about trends we were noticing and how to continue the great ones and stop the not so great ones.
Tomorrow is data day 2 - more planning and looking at numbers and standards and tests and discussing these tests that we now all have memorized.
And this is reason #131 why I came to this school. This is great instruction.
My old school has most of this stuff on file, too - the only difference is that most of it is contrived for the purpose of the quality review and then never used - by anyone. Here, it's used - breathed.
I am part of a great school.
A passionate school.
A nurturing school.
And I work 15 hour days at least 4 days a week, plus take work home on the weekends.
I don't remember the last time I got 8 hours of sleep.
It's challenging for the right reasons. We fight the right battles....but sometimes the exhaustion gets the best of me and I can't help but want to just come home, make dinner, and lay on the couch with the Boy.

From Long Ago

I’m exhausted. The kind of exhausted where your head pounds, your throat hurts, and the thought of food makes you nauseas. The worst part about it is….it’s Monday.
I feel like I’m teaching better…working smarter….than I ever have.
But at what price?
Yesterday the boy joked, “What did I do to be so lucky to have you around to watch you work, sleep, and eat?”
It was a joke…kind of.
Except for there was truth behind it.
And I can’t count how many times in the last week a bowl of Lucky Charms was dinner.
But my kids are learning. And I feel effective. And valued. And this is what urban education should be…at least inside school walls.
But my average days are 6:45 – 6:45, plus a 1 hour commute both ways, and I’m struggling to find balance, peace, time to play with the dogs….and sleep.

I wrote this almost a month ago but never had time or made it a priority to post it....

Today as K****i was walking in to my room for his pull out session he goes, Ms. G, you know my very favorite place?!
I was just waiting for him to say, "Your classroom! I love learning!"
And he goes, "The pharmacy. They have the best toys there. It's awesome!"

I continue to be fascinated by him - how his brain works, and at other times, seems to just....shut down.

Working 12 hour days 5 days a week, plus a 3 hour commute, doesn't leave much time for blogging.
But there are moments to be captured.
Like when K****i listed his favorite place as the pharmacy and then wrote 5 small moments about it in writing.
Or K**k, and how autism, or whatever goes on in that brain of his, is fascinating and scary all at the same time. Sometimes he repeats, "We're in grave danger," over and over again. Sometimes he spaces out and won't respond to anyone or anything. Sometimes he cries hysterically. And sometimes....he's a totally normal 5 year old.
And my team. Teachers and administrators, working together for these kids. Showing up to work optimistic. Supporting one another. Working effeciently. Selflessly.
It is not perfect. And I am more tired and overextended than I've been possibly ever.
But I love my job. I look forward to going everyday. And I feel unbelievably supported.
This is what I moved here to do.

They're Succeeding

My babies - in middle school.
"I miss our old class," lamented Yahkemp.
"Me, too," I confessed.
Comfortable silence was followed by regret all of the time I'd spent counting down the days until I wasn't his teacher anymore.
He was, after all....exhausting.
And hilarious, witty, brilliant, and brutally honest.
In many ways, he was one of the toughest students, and people, that I will ever meet and be responsible for educating.
And I miss him.
Like crazy.

Changes

Their voices changed - my old kids.
I called them all today, to hear about their summers, to wish them good luck, and to tell them, just one more time, that if they needed anything, they could always call me.
I could hear Ken smiling on the other end of the phone as he told me about Six Flags and Coney Island.
Adony vowed to be bad if I didn't come back...I pleaded with him to make good choices, but can only hope that he does.
And the others...they are ready. I prepared them. I can only hope that their teachers are ready and see the potential in them that sometimes gets hidden beneath the need to be tough and survive.
Tomorrow we will enter different doors. Me a charter school in Brooklyn, them public schools all over the Bronx.
2 years ago we met for the first time.
Who'd have thought our journey would be so powerful?

There are so many stories to tell...
about K**K, who gives himself high 5s, and D****i, who's IEP says he can not sort, identify objects, or spell his name. When I pulled him to test him, he did all of these things easily.
There's K****i, who some would like to see leave our school for a more restrictive setting....who is possibly the most joyful child I've ever seen.
These are the new babies.
But I am exhausted.
Balancing paperwork and deadlines with my desire to be in the classroom even when I'm supposed to be doing administrative tasks...
Working 12 hour days, and bracing myself for the year that is to come.
And calling my old kids, to wish them good luck in middle school and 5th grade, and let them know that they are amazing, and to try and make it seem okay that on Tuesday they will have a new teacher. As much as I love my new job, I'm still not okay with someone else teaching my old kids. Maybe I never will be.

Rest

Finally.
Yoga and sushi and quiet Friday nights are becoming a routine that keep me sane - focused.
And the dogs run as Bob Marley plays from my ITunes.
At 9:50 on a Friday night I am answering work emails, but it's okay.
Our kindergartners come in 4 days.
Little do they know, but they're lives are about to be changed.

Space to Breathe

What I need is air, because there is none. No space to breathe, or be, or laugh that's not scheduled.
Today the Boy called to ask me for my DL number. I snapped at him because his 45 second phone call was not in my schedule.
And the reality is that my days are scheduled thattight - from 5 am until I crash, sometime between 10:30 and 11.
That schedule energizes me for a week or so. Then I begin to resent it.
Resentment began to creep in today.
When my dogs kept putting a toy on my foot - their way of saying, "Throw this so we can play fetch," signal, but I had a spreadsheet to update and a powerpoint to finish and handouts to print.
So I kicked it away.
And in this short little, unscheduled break that I will pay for on the back end of the day, I'm SO overwhelmed by the pace of the days that I've set for myself.
"So skip spinning," says my brain. "Stay home, cuddle with the boy on the couch. Play with the dogs."
But then the part of my brain that makes this schedule says, "Skip spinning?! But when will you make it up!! You have dinner with a friend tomorrow, late meetings Thursday, and happy hour Friday, and scheduled workouts Saturday and Sunday. No make up time. You MUST go tonight. Ignore body, soul, and others around you - follow the flexibinder."
But I'm so beyond exhausted....and kids haven't even returned yet.
Oy.

Energized

By a team building afternoon spent painting pottery with colleagues I grow to respect and enjoy more and more everyday. It's hard to believe that 3 weeks ago I didn't know some of them.
By approaching 5:00 wake up times. Top colleges are waiting for my kids - it's my job to make sure they get there - who needs sleep?
By great classes at my gym - spinning Tuesday nights and yoga on Fridays. Ending my weeks with namaste.
By knowing that in a little over a year I will be officially spending the rest of my life with this man who somehow wants to sign up for this craziness for the rest of his life.
By realizing that this is what I dreamed of.
And it's not perfect - and it will not be easy. And that I feel super overwhelmed a lot of the time with all of the to dos and flexi binders and emails but that this is why I'm here.
Yes.
This, folks, will be good.
Stay tuned.