Sunday, April 22, 2007

I've been getting nosebleeds and throwing up randomly for 7 days now.
I get headaches and my heart beats fast and I dread going to school.
For the first time in 8 months it's hard to shake my kids' hands in the morning and forgive their actions the day before, knowing the effect that it's having on my physical and mental health.
But with 8 weeks left, I would not trade this experience, or any of them, for anything.
I have seen the system at it's worst, and I have done my best to fix it.
I have had kids work extremely hard for me, and because of it have numerous students leaving reading and doing math on grade level.
I have grown both professionally and personally more than I ever thought possible in 8 months.
I have remained calm in times of intense chaos.
I've showed up, day after day, to shake their hands, smile, and greet them with a cheerful "Good morning!" when others would not.
But hasn't been enough....and it continues to fall apart in front of my eyes.
They curse and fight and yell and throw things and refuse to work or listen or even take home their homework, let alone turn it in.
They're more concerned with gangs and who's jumping who after school and who's looking at them funny across the room than anything school related.
Somehow, in March, it fell apart, and it's slowly turning in to something that feels like failure staring me in the face every single day.


Anna said...

Hang in there! It sounds like you've done amazing things with them in the last eight months. The lessons you've taught them and the love you've shown them is making an impact on them. You may not see it in class tomorrow because it may not manifest until another point in their life. But they will remember that special teacher that loved them and provided stability by coming back day after day when no one else was. And then, at the end of the year, you say goodbye and go to a different school. I did that a few years ago, and it's hard to leave them. They're still "my" kids and I still think about them, but you have to get in a place that's better for you! Where you'll be able to make even more of a difference to a different group of kids because you won't be so beaten down by the system! Good luck!

Chris said...

I am so sorry