There are so many stories to tell...
about K**K, who gives himself high 5s, and D****i, who's IEP says he can not sort, identify objects, or spell his name. When I pulled him to test him, he did all of these things easily.
There's K****i, who some would like to see leave our school for a more restrictive setting....who is possibly the most joyful child I've ever seen.
These are the new babies.
But I am exhausted.
Balancing paperwork and deadlines with my desire to be in the classroom even when I'm supposed to be doing administrative tasks...
Working 12 hour days, and bracing myself for the year that is to come.
And calling my old kids, to wish them good luck in middle school and 5th grade, and let them know that they are amazing, and to try and make it seem okay that on Tuesday they will have a new teacher. As much as I love my new job, I'm still not okay with someone else teaching my old kids. Maybe I never will be.

Rest

Finally.
Yoga and sushi and quiet Friday nights are becoming a routine that keep me sane - focused.
And the dogs run as Bob Marley plays from my ITunes.
At 9:50 on a Friday night I am answering work emails, but it's okay.
Our kindergartners come in 4 days.
Little do they know, but they're lives are about to be changed.

Space to Breathe

What I need is air, because there is none. No space to breathe, or be, or laugh that's not scheduled.
Today the Boy called to ask me for my DL number. I snapped at him because his 45 second phone call was not in my schedule.
And the reality is that my days are scheduled thattight - from 5 am until I crash, sometime between 10:30 and 11.
That schedule energizes me for a week or so. Then I begin to resent it.
Resentment began to creep in today.
When my dogs kept putting a toy on my foot - their way of saying, "Throw this so we can play fetch," signal, but I had a spreadsheet to update and a powerpoint to finish and handouts to print.
So I kicked it away.
And in this short little, unscheduled break that I will pay for on the back end of the day, I'm SO overwhelmed by the pace of the days that I've set for myself.
"So skip spinning," says my brain. "Stay home, cuddle with the boy on the couch. Play with the dogs."
But then the part of my brain that makes this schedule says, "Skip spinning?! But when will you make it up!! You have dinner with a friend tomorrow, late meetings Thursday, and happy hour Friday, and scheduled workouts Saturday and Sunday. No make up time. You MUST go tonight. Ignore body, soul, and others around you - follow the flexibinder."
But I'm so beyond exhausted....and kids haven't even returned yet.
Oy.

Energized

By a team building afternoon spent painting pottery with colleagues I grow to respect and enjoy more and more everyday. It's hard to believe that 3 weeks ago I didn't know some of them.
By approaching 5:00 wake up times. Top colleges are waiting for my kids - it's my job to make sure they get there - who needs sleep?
By great classes at my gym - spinning Tuesday nights and yoga on Fridays. Ending my weeks with namaste.
By knowing that in a little over a year I will be officially spending the rest of my life with this man who somehow wants to sign up for this craziness for the rest of his life.
By realizing that this is what I dreamed of.
And it's not perfect - and it will not be easy. And that I feel super overwhelmed a lot of the time with all of the to dos and flexi binders and emails but that this is why I'm here.
Yes.
This, folks, will be good.
Stay tuned.

Finding my Place

In sessions that are meant for classroom teachers.
And when I ask about my role, often times they'll say....oh yeah....ask so and so.
And so I continue to lesson plan as if I would have my own classroom. This would be so useful if I was a classroom teacher....but I'm not....and I'm left feeling a little overwhelmed and having so many what exactly am I going to be doing questions.
Change always brings apprehension....and so I fill my days with happy hours and dinners with friends and classes at our new gym and picking music for our wedding.
And sometimes it feels like there's no room to breathe except in the 5:45 am space where the rest of the world is still asleep and I tip toe out of bed so quietly that neither the Boy or the dogs wake.

So I've been gone for a while, but for a good reason.
There were birthdays to celebrate, country air to breathe, good food to eat, people to see, and a wedding to plan. (Yep - the Boy and I got engaged a week and a half ago!)

But now it's back to teacher land, and this week we've been in full swing with staff training for my new school. I've been in Connecticut this week, training where my charter school was originally founded, with like minded, inspiring, amazing teachers/people.
For once, closing the achievement gap on a large scale seems possible. I'm finally part of an organization that I can stay with for a while - who focuses on kids, not paperwork or stupid school ratings or state tests.
I'm excited, nervous, anxious, but oh so glad I'm here.
Moving ever forward....

In my new role I'm part Sped coordinator/part pull out teacher. It will be a big change from having my own classroom and my own kids all day everyday.
I've become obsessed with Sped policies and procedures and Outlook calendar is my best friend. Who'd have thought....
And at the base of all of this is a mission - one that started with TFA but became so concrete because of 13 kids I spent 2 years with.
And yet a little part of me....actually, 99% of my heart, is still not at peace with the fact that I won't be their teacher in September. Maybe it never will be.