Another new student today, on the day my regular para was supposed to come back but didn't (after nearly 2 months absence).
And so it goes....instability is not good for my kiddos.
I wish I could put them in a bubble and protect them from everything, but that would not be preparing them for life.
This new student used to be in my room. They tried general ed for a year, but it didn't work, so now he's back.
"No matter where you go, you always end up back here, huh?" said the science teacher. I wanted to smack him and yell things that would be oh so inappropriate in front of my children.
I must provide structure - as much as I can - but still prepare them for a world that is bound to be unstable - and for people that so often will not do or say the right things.

Why I Hate Special Ed

I'm not calling for a second chance, I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cause I'll just make the same mistake again
James Blunt

Background for those of you who are not special educators:
Every student in my class has what's called an IEP (Individualized Education Plan). It's reviewed every year by me, the parent, and any other staff that works with the student (speech therapists, counselors, etc.) Once every 3 years students are re-evaluated to see if their current environment is still appropriate given their academic and social emotional progress. As part of their IEP I have to evaluate where they are currently (both academically and social/emotionally) and set goals that determine the progress that must be made throughout the course of the year. IEPs are legal documents. What's written in them MUST happen. Part of kids' IEPs is their promotional criteria. Kids can either be expected to meet standard criteria (the same as regular ed kids, only they get the services provided to them as a result of their IEP), or they can be expected to meet a modified, or lower promotional criteria, meaning they are passed on to the next grade not having met all of the previous grade's standards. I am SO aganist this, feeling like it sets kids up for failure and that it's social promotion. I also feel like it gives teachers an excuse to be lazy. (Point in case the teacher before me.) Exceptions are severely learning disabled students and other students who, because of their diagnosed disability, are not cognitively capable of reaching that grades' standards. THOSE are the students for whom modified criteria is meant. I do not teach any students like that.
Half of my students are emotionally disturbed and are capable of performing on grade level. Some already do, and some, in certain areas, actually perform above grade level. As a result, their promotion criteria is checked as standard.
And today...
However, today we were told that we are not to have any of our students with standard criteria because if they are capable of meeting standard criteria they should be in general education. I brought up the point that many emotionally disturbed kids are academically gifted but need a smaller setting (and in fact are usually in more restrictive settings than mine) and I was told that they should be in general education.
So last year special ed was all about bad behavior, and this year it's all about low academics. Kids continue to be shuffled around like pieces of paper instead of living, breathing beings. They're trying to send Adony to another school because someone somewhere typed a number wrong - boy did I throw a fit about that. You will NOT send my baby to another school because someone does not know how to proofread.
And now, I'm going to send my 5th graders to middle school with IEPs that say they only have to meet 65% of grade level standards to pass? Why are you telling me I have to set them up to fail when it's taken me a year and a half to get them to believe they are as smart as everyone else?
One thing is for sure - they will never see that IEP. I will have one page that I present at the meeting to the parents and the child and one page that goes in the "official" file.
Something is very very wrong with this system and I do not understand how something that is so obvious to a second year teacher is happening in such a seasoned school.
I wish the people that made these decisions would actually spend time in good classrooms.
I must advocate.
I must fight.
But most of all, I must put every single thing I have in to moving these kids as much as I can because I may be the only person that ever cares enough to do so.
Part of me wants to scream and kick and fight and be that person, but then the other part of me sees my kids - screaming and kicking and fighting to just be taught - now - and I just want to shut my door and ignore all of the things I can't control and just....TEACH.

There are Stars in NYC

We took them to the Planetarium at the Museum of Natural History today. They LOVED it. They clung to me, their eyes wide with excitement, the entire time. Adony, at 13, is toocoolforthat, so he covered his mouth with his hands in that might be praying/might be shy expression he has - but really, he was impressed. He laughed, stomped his feet, yelled, "YO!!" when the room felt like it was spinning. I laughed - knew the tickle he felt in his stomach because I had it, too. They were fascinated. I couldn't stop smiling. These are not the kids I knew a year ago.
I love experiencing moments like that with my kids.
The people at the museum were grumpy.
We go every year so, needless to say, once the planetarium was done, so were the kids, and for kids that are used to eating lunch at 10, our assigned 1:15pm time was much too late....but the 30 minute planetarium show was enough to make the day worth it.
"You are the best teacher ever ever ever!" exclaimed Joshua as he skipped by my side on the way back to the train. (Yep, I take my babies on public transportation, and they are just great!)
"Yo, you always say that on every field trip," said Adony.
"Why do you think I bring him?" I joked. "Teachers have egos, too."
And we laughed. Joshua hugged me as I walked down the street and I couldn't help but wrestle with decisions that have already been made.

Torn

My kids are not making as much progress as I wanted them to make.
Our first round of running records was this past week and some of them are on track to meet or exceed their goals. Some, however, have not grown since September.
This is normal, I know. But still, there's that little perfectionist voice that eats away at me saying, "What are you doing wrong? Why are they not learning?"
It is this voice that makes me a teacher. That keeps me up at night. That makes me keep 8 kids in at lunch when they don't do their homework. (I don't care that the night before was Halloween.)
We have so much to learn - accomplish - a huge gap to close before the year is over. The sense of urgency sometimes makes me sick to my stomach. And there are days the kids feel it, too. Damien always complains that, "This class is a step up to the 9th grade." He's not used to the work.
"How come, when we meet our goal, we get a new one that's higher?" asked Malik last year? "Why don't we just get a party?"
"You do party." I replied. "When you graduate, I will throw you the biggest party ever." They laughed, and when back to work.
We are motivated. We know where we're going. Yet lately, it seems that the thing that motivates me the most is the mere passing of time. The fact that this week is the Social Studies test and Parent Teacher conferences. Next week is Thanksgiving, then after that, hard core test prep for the ELA, and Christmas just around the corner. I'm forever looking forward, but why? Because we're making progress, or because I'm tired and something inside of me just needs to make it through?

No Babies = Unhappy Ms. G

We had professional development today.
I won't even go in to how useless the day was.
We spent the day grading the practice ELA tests our kids took last week.
PLEASE HELP ME GROW AS A TEACHER. PLEASE.
Just as I'm thinking about not being at our school anymore next year - precisely because I need to grow and move forward, not get dumped on....I miss my kids....after a day.
I miss their laughter and questions and the fact that their chairs weren't taken down from their desks all day.
It's so odd to be at school without them.
Most teachers love PD day.
I hate it.
Bring on the kids :)

And He Returns

They're sending Joshua back. As a 4th grader. Promoted in November.
I didn't ask them to.
I should have known it was never really a choice.
He was happier than I have ever seen him.
He bounced. Literally bounced up and down the halls. All day.
I gave him a tight hug and focused on being happy, too.
The worries about differentiating instruction, and numbers, and what's fair and not fair and my intense anger at colleagues who do not do their job will come later.
Every day I become more and more jaded about this system and what it does to kids....but for now, he's mine. He always was. They just took him away for a little while.

Life....

Closing the windows on my computer and I'm reminded - this is how I spent my Sunday night.
Grad work.
Math data.
A report for an IEP meeting.
A memo to our school psychologist who does not do her job.
An email to my mom that contains only the address - no text. Good intentions, but ran out of time.
And this is life.
My kids.
7 days a week. 24 hours a day. I'm not sure that it will be this way next year at this time so for now, as I prepare to shut down for the night, I'm okay with grad work, math data, IEP reports, memos, and an email that will end up as a phone call on the way home tomorrow.
Enjoy it.
Be in it for the right reasons.
Give everything you have and then leave if leaving is the right thing.
And stay if staying is the right thing.
I am okay with the way I spent my Sunday.

You tell yourself
That the things you need come slow
But inside you just don't know
Rob Thomas

October is hard. I don't know if it's the weather or the fact that the newness of school has worn off and the tests still seem so far away (and honestly, that's why our kids come to school), but the end of October and the beginning of November are hard. For me. For the kids.
I'm exhausted - mentally, physically, and spiritually.
The kids are restless and so am I.
Keep your fingers crossed and that we get some renewed energy - we need it.

They want me to take Joshua back. (They never sent him a few weeks ago because he's too low academically...so I only got Elvis back).
His new teacher hates him, tells him he's ruining the class, tells me he's retarded and will never make any progress.
He comes to me everyday at lunch and we read, do math, or simply talk about life. Lately he's been cutting out coloring pages because I took away his scissors (he was cutting up his worksheets into confetti and screaming "Happy New Year!" in the middle of class). I made a deal with him that he could use his scissors during lunch if he was having a good day - problem solved.
I love this child.
His new teacher does not, nor does she want to put any effort in to teaching him, but I do not teach his grade, I'm already teaching 2 curriculums, and diffentiating down to his level would require TONS of effort. It would basically require making a 3rd lesson plan for each subject everyday.
And he's not supposed to be on my roster. He's supposed to be on hers. And somebody needs to make her do her job.
But he's my kid. Even though he's on her roster, he's my kid.
We had a meeting about him today. Me, my principal, and my lit coach, who sees him come in my room for the entire lunch hour everyday.
"I know you're TFA, and I'm not asking you to answer this, please don't answer this, but I know lots of TFA people leave after 2 years to pursue other things, and this is your second year. Please, if this is your last year with us, please let Joshua spend it with you. He needs to spend it with you."
I cried. I tried to hold back the tears, but I cried.
I cried because I'm exhausted. I cried because I want him but it's not the best thing for the rest of my kids...or really, for him either. I cried because the system is failing him....and me....and all of us, and because his new teacher gets paid over $70,000 and is getting away with not doing her job while I am scrambling to keep my head above water because I love these kids.
I do not know if I'm coming back next year.
I do not know if I should take Joshua back.
I know my heart wants him back.
And I know that, most of the time, I teach with my heart. But my heart is pulled in a million different directions and it can only take so much before it breaks.

If I Ran The Zoo...

Oh wait, I do.
When Dr. Seuss wrote If I Ran the Zoo, I bet he didn't know that my little classroom in the Bronx would one day be home to 100 crickets, 8 anoles, 30 earthworms, 1 grasshopper, a beta fish, 9 children, a wonderful long term substitute para (mine is gone on sick leave until who knows when), and me, the teacher now known around the building as zookeeper.
My kids are SO invested in their new science curriculum that they check on their mini ecosystems (containing crickets, anoles, and earthworms) multiple times daily. Our grasshopper, brought in by a student who thought it was a cricket, is still alive and well nearly a month after it was brought in. We've discovered that it likes not only grass, but grapes and apples, too.
Upon hearing about our pet grasshopper, a parent of one of my students went out and bought us a proper class pet - a bright red beta fish, who completed our little zoo. I'd have never thought that caring for animals would be such a uniting experience for 12 and 13 year old kids who, on the outside, act so tough....
There's only so much the street can take away and to see my kids huddled over a grasshopper they've named and nurtured over a month makes me realize, even if only for a little while, that they are, like their peers across the country....just kids who deserve a chance to make something of themselves.

Return of the 3rd Graders

Only this time, they're 4th graders.
Yep. They're promoting them, in the middle of October. The 3rd graders (who used to be mine) have been causing chaos in the whole school, not doing their work, not wearing uniform, and pretty much running the other building are getting rewarded a)by coming back to my class and b)by being promoted to the 4th grade.
Oh - and they've managed to waste almost a month of instructional time in the process.
But it's not their fault.
It's my administration's fault, who knows NOTHING about special ed.
Someone came in today and told them they were too old to be in that class, so our special ed AP has decided she'll just promote them. That will fix the problem of them being too old for the class with the teacher who can't control them anyway, and the problem of me having 3 grades in one room.
"They can't multiply, or read on the level of my class," I reminded her. "I've gotten new students since then."
"Yes, but now they're 4th graders," she said.
"Yeah, but they're still at a 2nd grade level," I replied.
"It's the only thing we can do," she said. "Some kids just can't do the work, and we can't hold them there forever. That's why they're in special ed."
"No, they're in special ed so they get extra help and master the basic skills they need to function in society. Until they do, we keep them here. They made a lot of progress last year, but we can't push them through to a grade they're not ready for." I said. I could feel the tension in my neck.
"It's the only thing we can do," she said. "You'll make it work!"
I wanted to scream, "YOU MAKE IT WORK! YOU COME IN AND TEACH THEM! OH, AND BY THE WAY, DO YOU CARE THAT I'M GETTING THE REST OF MY KIDS READY FOR THEIR SOCIAL STUDIES TEST?"
No, she doesn't.
Arg.
I really want to not go to work tomorrow, but unfortunately, that would only punish the 9 people who deserve it the least - my babies.

Bright Spots

Today we had an amazing discussion about voting and government and political office. It was born out of our social studies test prep and studying a line graph of voting trends. The conversation was slighty off topic, but bordering on brilliant, considering some of my students can't even tell you the name of their country.
We talked about why more people vote during Presidential election years, voter fraud, campaign funding, voter registration, taxes, why it's important to vote....the kids wouldn't stop asking questions, and before I knew it I was merely a member of the discussion, not the be all and end all answer giver. At one point I even sat down on a chair and listened to them discuss, Malik serving as moderator. This is how I love to teach. By lighting a fire beneath the kids and watching what becomes of it.
"We're off topic," reminded Chris.
"I know," I said. "It's okay, I'm so impressed with you guys right now. I wish I had this on tape."
"You do?" asked Malik.
"Yep. I'd put you on one of those political news shows." I replied.
They laughed, and kept on talking. I sat back, crossed my arms, and listened as my kids had a discussion that I thought was so far beyond them.
Prepare to be amazed....I thought. They have some amazing things up their sleeve :)

Disneyland?

And the magic continues, even during test prep.
Welcome to 5th grade, where thanks to the Social Studies test, which is given in the middle of November, we start test prep during the second week of school. We're in full swing now, and our lowest kids get 4 and a half hours of test prep a day. (2 and a half hours during the school day, and 2 hours after school.) It can be hard to focus, for all of us, but my kids are doing amazing!! We took a pre-test on Monday and my kids scored the highest out of all the other grades. Yeah. Go my kids.
"I'm gonna tell my kids they need to go to special ed," said one of the gen. ed. teachers.
"Please don't do that," I said. "That's all we need to be doing is feeding stereotypes," I said.
She gave me the most evil look imaginable.
I gave her a smile in return. It probably looked sarcastic. I'm not a very good liar.
Whatever. My kids, for once in their lives, are focused and driven, and their scores are already showing it. For those of you that have been with me from the beginning, I think you know how incredible it must feel for them and for me. Finally it comes together.
Lessons flow, and we have so many 'light bulb' moments, where kids 'just get it'.
We haven't had a fight in my classroom yet this year and it's the 5th week of school.
If I'm dreaming, I hope no one pinches me until July :)

Victory is Sweet

And sounds like the jingle from McDonalds.
So we won.
After weeks of trying but not succeeding, my babies did it. They behaaved consistently enough to win the weekly behavior contest by 4 points!! (91-95) They were pumped! I told them when they won we'd add a new cheer to our cheer wall (they get to do a cheer for someone when they share work that they've done, and they recently made up a 'McDonalds cheer, which is basically just the ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it' song.) They've been DYING to make it a cheer and today when I told them they won they burst out, all at once, in to the McDonald's song. My AP, who just happened to be walking by, looked in to my room, and all I could do was laugh.
"It's a cheer," I said.
"Ok..." she replied.
"Hey! We won!!" shouted Malik, my AP's least favorite student.
"I heard," she replied.
And all we could do....me and my now 8 babies....was smile :)

Exit 3rd Grade

In the last 2 weeks my 3rd graders were taken out of my room and put in another 12:1:1 room. I knew it was only a matter of time. I told them in June they couldn't put 3 testing grades in 1 room like that, and they finally figured out it wasn't a smart thing to do and they magically created spots for my 3rd graders. It was sad. Joshua cried. I almost did, too. He wrote me letters every day for the first 3 days. Jose has been creating as much chaos as he possibly can, and Elvis has been making himself known as the class bully. They are, after all, 11 year olds in a class with 7 year olds. My babies, now with real babies.
They're too smart for that class. The 12:1:1 where they were placed has kids that read on A and B levels. My 3rd graders read on L, J, and Q levels. Yeah, they're gonna be bored and drive that teacher crazy. Math wise, they blow that class out of the water. If there's one thing about special ed kids, they need to be challenged. Put them in an environment where they feel like their time is being wasted and bad things will happen.
Oh, and did I mention they got sent back to the teacher they had before me? Who hates them?
So all I can do is tell them to work hard so they come back to me as 4th graders. She tells them the same thing. (When she's not telling them how much she liked her class before they came.)
6 of 1 half dozen of the other, I know they had to go, and my class can advance much faster without them, but in my heart they're mine, and it feels weird to know that someone else is teaching them.

Week 5

Going in to week 5 and I can't find the words to describe to you - we are a class reformed.
My kids wear their uniforms. Everyday.
They do their homework. All of them. All of it. And if they don't, they write me a note that says, 'this is too hard', and they stay in during lunch and I help them finish it.
They're invested in the class points competition (although we still haven't won....they're reformed, but not perfect, and we had a bad week a couple of weeks ago).
But even more so they're invested in their learning. They want to know what objectives they've mastered (they have self tracking sheets for math where they get a sticker each time they demonstrate mastery of an objective on a test or quiz). They want to be tested in reading to see if they've moved up a level.
I sense in them a hunger to do well - to learn - to be something, and while I always knew it was there, last year I felt like I believed in it much more than they did.
But they're different now. A year has changed them. A year has changed me. And the best part is that we experienced it all together, and now we get to come back and take the best of last year and magnify it, leaving the worst behind.
I still think about the ones that left everyday. I worry about them and wonder if they're really in a better environment or if it's just different. My principal says all the time, "Sacrifice 1 for 12," meaning that I can't worry about the 1 we pushed out because of his behavior. But isn't that was special ed is? My 12 were once another teacher's 1.
But still....everyday we succeed because he's now gone.
Hopefully somewhere he's part of another teacher's 12.

Maybe We'll Be A Teacher Movie After All

Happy Rosh Hashanah to everyone! (Hence why I'm posting when I would usually be teaching Reading...) In NYC we get Jewish holidays off, too, which is part of the reason why we have a 10 month school year. (3 or 4 extra days off = a month more of school)
Things are still going well, and I must admit, all of this political restructuring (which seems to ALWAYS be happening in our school system) is making a big difference in our school this year. An important thing to know here is we share our building with another school (common in NYC). In the past this has been a big problem because our kids fight all the time. They couldn't even go to lunch when the other school was at recess because they would fight. The 'our school is better than yours' attitude is so contagious that when I see yellow uniform shirts on the street (our kids wear white), a little part of me thinks, 'ew, ps (fill in the blank of their school number).' Bad, I know, but true. It's part of our school culture.
That is, until this year, when the regions are gone and the principals have much more power over their schools (and are, supposedly, going to be held accountable for their decisions). All of the sudden they're stressing unity. Our school goes down, basically we're going to bring down the other school too, and their principal won't have it. So over the summer they got together and developed a plan to turn things around. Now we have this behavior system that's building (not just school) wide where the kids get points for every period and the class in each grade level that wins at the end of the week gets a free period. They've provided us with all kinds of board games and money for pizza parties at the end of each month. I keep waiting for a camera crew to jump out and be like, yeah, this is a joke, this isn't your school. I asked for this last year, and they actually did it, and the WHOLE SCHOOL is buying in to it. Our kids actually wear uniforms every day. That NEVER happened last year, even though it's a city wide policy. Kids keep each other in line for POINTS. They care about learning. They do their homework. Don't get me wrong, it's not a hunky dorey suburban school. There was a fight during lunch yesterday between Elvis and Malik. But my AP broke it up, told me to go eat my lunch, and it was put in the system (for suspensions) THAT DAY. They're not playing around this year. I still can't believe it. They're serious about turning things around, and I don't even care what their motives are because it's good for the kids.
It's going to be a different year and maybe we'll be one of those teacher movies after all...with the crazy beginning and the music montage and the happy ending?
Probably not.....but my kids are finally getting what they deserve, and that's an incredible feeling.

New Year

3 grades
3 TEST PREP grades
Oy
Minus Mario
And Iran
And Kevin
And Amanda
Plus Brianna
And some others that are still in limbo. The roster has been a mess. I had a kid for half a day yesterday. Today I was told I had a new student. Then his old teacher asked if we were an inclusion class. I told her no. His IEP is for inclusion. You can't put in him a self contained room. So no new student. At least not today.
Administratively it's a mess. Thank goodness I deal with that for about 45 minutes a day, and that's if I can't avoid it.
Classroom wise, it's amazing. The shuffling of a few students has made a HUGE difference. Kids came back with a new focus. I came back with a new focus. Yesterday we walked in a line for 30 minutes because they were crazy at recess. Today when I came to pick them up they looked like soldiers :) My babies. They listened. I wanted to pick them up and twirl them around and say THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT!
Instead I said, "Very nice line!" I privately praised those who I knew were responsible for the line for their leadership and let them knew it was what I expected from them.
We were playing a game today and 2 students came back from speech and Yahkemp - yes, Yahkemp - said, "Everybody take 2 steps back so Elvis and Brianna can fit in the circle." Again, a can I pick you up and twirl you around? moment. Too bad he's as big as me. Instead, I gave him a wink that only he saw. He also got a super star note home.
My class dynamics are complicated. 4 5th graders that have a history of being my biggest behavior problems. 4 4th graders that are low academically but don't have many behavior problems except if meds are forgotten. 4 3rd grade - learning disabilities and lots of behavior problems. I'm relying on the 5th grade to be leaders and keep the 3rd grade in line. I'm counting on the 4th grade to encourage the 5th grade to be leaders (so far it's working great). I'm also counting on the 5th grade to be tutors. So far the 5th grade is totally eating up this "I really need your help" attitude, and from experience, they'll continue to.
Keep your fingers crossed for purposefully different dynamics, a calmer school, and for me figuring out how to teach 3 curriculums!

Countdown to Kiddos - 6 Days

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
(I've been obsessed with the Bob Schneider version but that's definitely not who wrote it...)

Tomorrow is my last 'free' day, although I would hardly call this summer of moving, grad classes, and meetings 'free'. I've been planning like a madwoman, laminating, copying....getting ready for these kiddos whose not so enduring qualities have all but disappeared from my memory over the last 8 weeks.
I can not WAIT to see my babies. Some of them are coming to help me set up my room I think.... They're great cleaners, their little obsessive compulsive/ADD selves. Plus they know JUST how our room is supposed to look and they take great pride in it.
We're doing lots of new stuff this year. A leadership curriculum, class meetings (which I started doing at the end of the year last year, half heartedly), full blown math centers (I've got to cause I'm teaching 3 grades of curriculum all by my lonesome), and by golly I will figure out how to get Elvis and Adony to read ON GRADE LEVEL if it kills me.
I've got my work cut out for me but I'm SO focused and SO motivated. I made the coolest welcome back video for my kids featuring highlights from last year and inspirational music. Full speed ahead and never looking back. My kids deserve this. Time to go to work - more stories to come :)

It's That Time of the Year

When school supply sales mean long lines full of teachers and families at Staples. The spending of meager teacher's choice money has already begun...
Thinking about starting over with rules and procedures and pumping kids (and me) up for the year is so overwhelming when all I've done all summer has been grad school. 2 more weeks...
I'll have a 3 day break between the end of classes and the start of school....ugh...
I'm excited to see my kids - excited for the year that lays ahead, for the growth that will happen and the relationships that will be formed, but mostly I'm just excited to be on the other end of learning for a while :)